FROM THE DESK OF DAVE, YOUR CEO
It’s 2016 and you babies are still complaining about this shit. (I know you weren’t, Tim, but I saw you shivering in your wool peacoat so you might as well have been, for fuck’s sake.) As the head of this company, I don’t owe you anything, but if it’ll get you to shut up and go back to work, here’s a list of reasons why the office is kept at 32 degrees Fahrenheit year-round.
-It saves us money on refrigeration. This one should be obvious. Haven’t you babies noticed your drinks stay cold for as long as you’re enjoying them? This brings me to my next point…
-It saves us money on iced coffee. Forget paying some lumberjack with mustache wax seven dollars for cold-brew anything. You can thank the company for the icy coldness of your coffee.
-We have no shortage of cool, dark places to store medications. Work stressing you out? Don’t let that Klonopin go bad!
-We recently closed a deal with The North Face. I don’t know if you noticed I’ve actually been wearing a Bomber Tuxedo to work the past couple weeks. They heard about how cold we keep it here and are paying me to beta test a new business-frigid concept line.
-At times, it is actually much, much colder than 32 degrees. That’s because I’ve been giving all employees complimentary cryogenic therapy. The tech department has been helping me with this, and they have assured me you will all live well into your 120s thanks to the adjustments in our thermostat settings. A cold employee is a live employee! No need to thank me!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!