Message From Chase Bank
By
January 30, 2015

To: Mr. Raymond Davenport
From: Chase Bank
Re: Your check deposits

Mr. Davenport,

My name is Lester Collins, I’m the manager at your local Chase branch. I wanted to contact you about some of the checks you’ve been depositing. You’ve been a very loyal customer with us for over 20 years and the last thing we want to do is to damage that relationship. But, after our system flagged a couple of checks in a row, I decided to look into the matter further. I’d like to be clear: I am not accusing you of anything Mr. Davenport. I would just like some clarification.

On September 22nd of last year you deposited a check in the amount of $55,000 with the words “Special Services” in the memo line. Now when I saw this, I thought very little of it. This could refer to any number of things. My wife and I perform “special services” for each other so maybe that’s your line of work, which it is not my place to pass judgment on.

But then, on October 10th, you deposited a check for $22,500 with the memo line “Big Guns.” By itself, this seems fairly harmless. Maybe you are a workout instructor and have clients who refer to muscles as “guns.” They sound fun! Sure that’s pretty expensive for a workout, but I make no claim to know the worth of health and fitness.

Just to make sure, though, I called the account holders for both of these checks and unfortunately neither of their phone numbers are connected anymore. Which brings us to your deposit yesterday for $666 with the memo line “Burn Down the Bank for Satan.” I’m not a religious man, so I can’t begin to understand what beliefs are saying what things. Of course this seems like a very threatening thing to write on a check, but I’ve never been one to assume. I’m sure it’s nothing.

So please just give us a call as soon as you can so we can sort this out. No need to come into the bank or be anywhere near the bank, I know you’re very busy. Sorry again for bothering you with a something that probably has a very simple explanation. Thank you for being a customer at Chase.

Have Mercy,
Lester Collins
Manager, Chase Bank

 

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