Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

To: Mr. Raymond Davenport
From: Chase Bank
Re: Your check deposits

Mr. Davenport,

My name is Lester Collins, I’m the manager at your local Chase branch. I wanted to contact you about some of the checks you’ve been depositing. You’ve been a very loyal customer with us for over 20 years and the last thing we want to do is to damage that relationship. But, after our system flagged a couple of checks in a row, I decided to look into the matter further. I’d like to be clear: I am not accusing you of anything Mr. Davenport. I would just like some clarification.

On September 22nd of last year you deposited a check in the amount of $55,000 with the words “Special Services” in the memo line. Now when I saw this, I thought very little of it. This could refer to any number of things. My wife and I perform “special services” for each other so maybe that’s your line of work, which it is not my place to pass judgment on.

But then, on October 10th, you deposited a check for $22,500 with the memo line “Big Guns.” By itself, this seems fairly harmless. Maybe you are a workout instructor and have clients who refer to muscles as “guns.” They sound fun! Sure that’s pretty expensive for a workout, but I make no claim to know the worth of health and fitness.

Just to make sure, though, I called the account holders for both of these checks and unfortunately neither of their phone numbers are connected anymore. Which brings us to your deposit yesterday for $666 with the memo line “Burn Down the Bank for Satan.” I’m not a religious man, so I can’t begin to understand what beliefs are saying what things. Of course this seems like a very threatening thing to write on a check, but I’ve never been one to assume. I’m sure it’s nothing.

So please just give us a call as soon as you can so we can sort this out. No need to come into the bank or be anywhere near the bank, I know you’re very busy. Sorry again for bothering you with a something that probably has a very simple explanation. Thank you for being a customer at Chase.

Have Mercy,
Lester Collins
Manager, Chase Bank


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