As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on July 18, 2016.
As you may or may not have already heard; I am stranded on a deserted island. I tried to DM you but alas there is no wifi and my phone has passed since then. I buried her in a small grave of sand with only the surrounding exotic berry plants and the cruel but steady sun as witnesses. I plan to visit her grave every full moon.
I pray this message in a bottle reaches you, I see no reason why it shouldn’t.
How are you? I’m not great. I have thought of so many incredible tweets, tweets that could potentially garner 4 retweets and eighteen likes, hell maybe even five retweets and yet I cannot send them. I can only draft them–in my mind.
I lie awake at night thinking of their undrafted potential while the waves slowly crash against the shore. I think each crash represents another follower lost. Tragic.
The water is so blue, bluer than the Twitter bird herself or your eyes, and I have seen so many of G-d’s beautiful creatures swimming in it. The water contrasted against the nearly golden sand and the most luscious green trees could serve as the canvas for one of my highest tapped grams and yet… Instagram is not available to me. I fear I might never see you or the Mayfair filter ever again.
Do you miss me? I miss denying friend requests on Facebook. One of my favorite pastimes. I have been lining up rocks in a column and throwing the ones I don’t like into the ocean in lieu of.
I often think about your smile and my love for the weather app. I awake every day outside on a bed I crafted using nothing but twigs and desperation. I can instantly tell if it’s raining or if it’s warm and yet, it’s just not the same as opening that app and seeing what the weather will be like in three days… It’s. Just. Not. The. Same.
Truly a shame that I missed our wedding. Our hashtag was about to be so influential. #ICherekYou. Even writing it now, it looks like a piece of art.
Well Derek, I truly hope I get off this island soon, I miss you holding me in your arms, and seeing my phone charge go from the yellow of low power mode to the green of fully charged… what a journey.
Remember me, tweet for me.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!