Ain’t nothing I hate more than a damn millennial.

My biggest regret in this life would have to be my birthing in the year of 1992 – smack dab in the middle of an era we will eventually refer to as ‘the beginning of the end.’ I swear, God and a few select historians will sit down for a follow-up survey on mankind’s existence and go, “Yup, it all started rolling downhill once those dang millennials ruined the Olympics.”

Now, I stood by idly while these kids ruined simple pleasures like writing a letter to the editor and sleeping in a stranger’s house, but they’ve finally gone a step too far. Summer Olympics were our world’s greatest tradition since the days of Pangaea before they got their Zune-tapping fingers on it.

It all started at the opening ceremony, before the first competition even begun. These cold-brew farting millennials put on some dumb entitlement parade to make everyone feel special. Everybody who just showed up got to walk around in a big stadium with the bright lights on ‘em while people cheered just cause they showed up. Maybe it’s cause I don’t work at one of those newfangled vinyl-printing start-ups, but showing up isn’t much to celebrate.

Oh wow, what a way to get the competitive juices: cheering people who arrive. You know, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a big gala before the first day of World War II where everyone wished each other “good war.” Nope, they just started bombing each others brains like true men of valor.

Doesn’t end there, though, because these millennial, Perez Hilton-worshipping scoundrels have no shame.

I’m watching the 100m dash when baby boomer-favorite Usain Bolt wins the race by a landslide. I’m relieved and excited to watch him slaughter the losers, as per ancient Summer Olympic tradition only to find millennials have done away with the “Killing of the Failures.” Instead of witnessing a victor kill lesser competitors, I watch members of the International Olympic Committee hand out participation awards to two other people who came in “second” and “third.” Oh boy, this really peeved me right off. Just because a few millennials thought it was “barbaric,” we’ve decided to do away with tradition? Pity.

Beyond that – and maybe it’s cause I don’t use my iPhone for simple arithmetic like these new-age, Internet junkies – I’m pretty sure there can only be one winner!

We can’t just award people for coming in less than first ya lousy, Zika-loving millennials!

When I was a kid, the summer Olympics used to be a simple spectacle that distinguished the winners (i.e. America) from the losers (i.e. historically, Pakistan) through physical competition. Now, just cause one millennial had his mother call the IOC Principal to complain about how he “put in a lot of hard work to get to the Olympics,” we’re giving awards to the first and second loser?

If the Greatest Generation were still in charge, the only thing they’d be give second place are a dunce cap and relatively painless death. Guess everyone who just shows up now deserves organic kombucha and kale, or whatever it is you guys give each other for Christmas! That’s right CHRISTMAS. Make me say holidays, millennials, I dare you. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Oh boy, I just can’t wait to see how you damn millennials ruin the Winter Olympics next.



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