Million Dollar Ideas with Grandpa
By
May 18, 2016

My grandpa is old. He’s 93. That’s craaaazy old. Gramps was born in the year 1923. 31 years later in 1954, The Civil Rights Movement started. My grandfather is older than equality. He’s witnessed ideas flourish beautifully and fail terribly. He has seen some of the world’s brightest minds create some of the most revolutionary inventions known to humankind.

I recently discovered that my grandfather had actually tried making inventions of his own. I came across some of his old patents when I was looking for his will. I wanted to make some amendments that would benefit me. Instead, I found sketchbooks and documents. I am seriously not kidding when I say that my grandfather developed some of the earliest designs for the garbage truck. At least that’s what he believes. His was a slight variation where the garbage truck had an attachment where a tube would suck trash out of a bin and place it into the truck. He got ripped off and someone else took his idea and made some slight modifications. I could have been the potential heir to the garbage truck fortune.

I decided I’d interview my grandpa in hopes of recording any other potentially world-changing ideas he may have.

Me: Hey, I’m really glad you decided to sit with me so we could talk about your ideas.

Grandpa: Hell yeah, dude. Thanks for having me.*

*Translated from Spanish

M: So, what originally gave you the inspiration necessary to begin your inventive process?

G: Well, you know I was born in ‘23. Five years later, in 1928, there was this invention that came out. I remember it vividly. It was sliced bread. I was only 5 years old when that shit dropped. People lined up for blocks. I remember I tried pre-ordering it, but no luck.

M: Damn. Sliced bread was really that big?

G: Yeah. Sliced bread was crazy. It was the Playstation 4 of the 20s. People went even crazier when raisin bread came out. I remember one of my friends got sliced bread the week it came out. Everybody went to his house right after school just to watch him eat it.

M: What was your first major idea for an invention? Besides the garbage truck.

G: I was always a huge fan of food ideas. Like the Twinkie in 1930, and the banana in 1945. So, I thought, “How about I make peanut butter and jelly flavored bread? Everybody would save so much time!”

M: Did you pitch it?

G: Yeah. I only pitched it once. I was in an office full of movers and shakers. As soon as I said, “peanut butter and jelly flavored bread,” the whole room moved. All the suits stood up. They reached into their pockets…

M: Whoa! They gave you money right then and there?

G: No. They pulled out handguns and shot themselves in the head. They could not comprehend how great an idea it was. They didn’t want to live in a world where this idea could potentially not exist.

M: That’s so tight. Do you mind telling me about other ideas you’ve had?

G: Yeah. After seeing so many guns and so many bullets fly, I was like, oh man this is awful. Bullets suck. We need a cooler way for people to die. I wanted to create a gun that shoots knives.

M: THAT IS CRAZY! What happened to it? Do you have any prototypes?

G: I never told anyone. Yes, I have the only knife gun.

M: I need to wrap this up, I know you have to go. Any other ideas?

G: Yes. Biodegradable condoms. Edible condoms. Invisible Condoms. Gluten-Free Condoms. Condoms that break on purpose. Like, for April Fool’s Day. And condoms that change color when somebody is approaching.

*Interview concluded with 15 minutes of high-fiving*

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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