Minions, Money and the American Dream
By
July 10, 2015

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It’s unbelievably difficult being a writer. Ask any writer what the hardest part is, and they’ll each tell you the same thing: ALL OF IT! (LOL!) 99% of writers never find an audience. 99% of books never get read. And until a few years ago I was in danger of being just another statistic. To understand this story, we need to go back to 1987…

I was living in a studio apartment above a Thai Massage parlor in Chinatown. Oh the irony! I was doing a lot of blow at the time. I don’t want to say too much blow, because that implies I made mistakes. Which I did not. There are no mistakes, only things you do that society doesn’t approve of. Anyway, I’m in the studio apartment doing a lot of coke, writing upwards of 500 pages a day. I didn’t have a real job so I had all the time in the world. I would mostly sell my body hair (and sometimes teeth) on the Internet in its very early days. That would usually allow me the financial stability to keep plugging away at my writing.

In November of 1987, I went on a four-day bender with the ladies down in the massage parlor. When I came to, I had written my first real novel: The Little Yellow Sunshine Boys. It was a coming of age story about a group of youths in rural Louisiana who were unable to grow any taller after age 6. The three boys became best friends, bonding over their shared lack of growth as well as the jaundice they had all developed. No publisher wanted to touch it as they said it was far too graphic, specifically the scenes in which the boys ate a homeless man alive. But I knew the world needed to read this novel, so I self-published it and sold over 5,000 copies in the first three years! Turns out that the online body hair market is pretty similar to the online book market!

Another 20 years and 48 novels later, I had completely forgotten about The Little Yellow Sunshine Boys. But then I received a call on my landline from a film producer that wanted to make MY book into a movie. I was thrilled. But then they told me about the changes they wanted to make. That they wanted to turn it into a movie for children. They wanted to remove all the cannibalism. They wanted to make the jaundice-infested human boys into nondescript creatures called “minions.” I initially said no. I am an artist and I need to protect my creative vision. But it turns out my creative vision doesn’t need protecting when a $5 MILLION OFFER IS ON THE TABLE!! I’M RICH! I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY! GO SEE MINIONS THIS WEEKEND! OR DON’T! I DON’T CARE! I’M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER! LATER BITCHE$$$$$$$!!!

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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