16 April 2013
The 534 E Call Street Book Club (formerly the Better than Therapy Book Club, formerly the Between the Wines Book Club, formerly the Novel Beginnings Book Club) was called to order at 7:00 p.m. by Madame President. Roll was called and a quorum established. Red wine and Velveeta, furnished by Madame Secretary, were served.
Members Not Present:
Members Thought to Be Not Present but Later Found on Porch Swing:
Approval of Minutes
Madame Secretary read the minutes from 9 April 2013. After several “corrections” from Linzi, minutes were approved.
Motion from Linzi: To address problem of declining attendance.
Said problem began with Martha and her frequent whining re: lack of gluten-free snacks at meetings. Several members, including Madame Secretary, suspected Martha’s gluten sensitivity was mere pretense, as she never mentioned it until that Dr. Oz episode came out. After Martha began spamming everyone with gluten-free recipes, Madame Secretary presented resolution, “Be it hereby resolved: We are Martha’s friends and care about her as a person, but she must come clean about fake allergies, because frozen grapes are not a legitimate snack,” which passed six to two. Martha stormed out in what some might call a childish rage.
Some weeks thereafter, members complained re: Deborah always choosing books about murdered teens and/or teens solving murders. The “No More Teen Murder Books” amendment, sponsored by Madame Secretary, was added to club’s bylaws. Deborah left in middle of New Business (but not before stuffing generous handful of mini quiches in purse). Lucia left as well, as Deborah was her ride.
Linzi, who had argued against teen murder amendment, demanded to know why Deborah was singled out when Madame Secretary always chose books by Dave Barry.
Point of Order by Madame Secretary: Mr. Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist, and perhaps if Linzi cannot appreciate him she should look inside her own empty soul.
Point of order overruled by Madame President.
Madame President stated members becoming too wrapped up in “petty” issues, adding, “We shouldn’t let the club become a mere excuse to drink on Tuesdays.”
Emergency Secret Meeting in Kitchen
Motion from Madame Secretary: To impeach Madame President. Motion passed unanimously; Madame Secretary installed in her place.
Decree from New Madame President: To terminate Linzi’s membership.
When questioned as to whether such decrees fell within the president’s powers, Madame President put copy of Robert’s Rules of Order through paper shredder, daring any to challenge her, culminating in expulsion of everyone but Frieda, who was in the bathroom and had gone unnoticed. Fire was extinguished and meeting called back to order once Frieda was discovered still in house.
Motion from Frieda: To select The Age of Innocence as next book.
Madame President, while not thrilled, acknowledged that movie was decent. Frieda replied, “Oh, but the book is always better than the movie,” like she was first genius to ever say that, and Madame President said, “Get out, Frieda. Get the hell out.”
Madame President’s cat inducted into club afterwards for sake of quorum, then appointed treasurer just for kicks.
Motion from Madame President: To select Dave Barry’s Big Trouble as next book.
Madame Treasurer flicked tail, indicating doubts regarding Barry’s skills at crafting fiction and whether his signature blend of wacky, irreverent humor was enough to sustain a novel. Madame Treasurer warned of being on thin ice, and of possibility of being shut in laundry room during future meetings; motion approved unanimously. Recess called so Madame Treasurer and Madame President could lick self and refill drink, respectively.
Floor opened for discussion of Dave Barry in Cyberspace. All agreed that it was pretty funny, but Dave Barry Slept Here still best. Madame President stood to refresh beverage, discovered wine level low. Recess called for excursion to gas station across street for new box of wine.
Meeting called back to order for viewing of VHS tape of underrated sitcom Dave’s World, specifically episode where Barry himself makes cameo as man buying air conditioner. Tape broke in middle of episode; Madame President made unsuccessful attempt at repairs.
Recess called to peruse Amazon and see if Dave’s World available on DVD; three seasons found in stock. Madame Treasurer approved purchase by meowing and licking laptop screen. For remainder of meeting, Madame President read Wikipedia article for Dave’s World aloud and pondered how one might become friends with Dave Barry, or, failing that, Harry Anderson.
Motion from Madame Treasurer: To adjourn and go chase laser pointer. Motion passed unanimously; meeting adjourned at 2:48 a.m.
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