The Higgs Weldon

MISC

  • So, You’ve Found Yourself on The Jungle Cruise, September 20, 2017
  • How Transcendental Meditation Changed The Way I Look At The World And Made My Penis Bigger, September 18, 2017
  • I Didn’t Believe In Climate Change, Until I Realized How Hot Boiling Water Was, September 15, 2017
  • Advice On How to Hold the Best Generation Designation Reveal Party, September 14, 2017
  • Welcome to Country X: Notes for a Generic Travel Guide, September 8, 2017
  • Oh The Places You Will Go With Your Hamilton Obsession, September 6, 2017
  • Flex Life, September 5, 2017
  • A Precocious Toddler’s Ruminations On “If You’re Happy And You Know It”, August 23, 2017
  • I Spent 30 Minutes in the Shower Thinking of Different Ways I Could Help the Environment, August 22, 2017
  • Reviewing Brewster Solicitors, August 18, 2017
  • Love Lettering, August 16, 2017
  • A Tribute to Ogden Nash, August 9, 2017
  • A New Uncle’s Fear, August 2, 2017
  • Please Contribute to the Kickstarter for My Horror Film or My Wife Will Probably Divorce Me, July 25, 2017
  • Introducing: The McDonald’s 2017 Green Initiative, July 24, 2017
  • Ransomware Note to Obama, July 19, 2017
  • Vegan Food Diary, July 17, 2017
  • How To Pretend To Be Busy At Work: A Masterclass, July 6, 2017
  • Trump Colluded With Canadian Foreign Nationalist My Cousin Owen, July 5, 2017
  • The New York Times Has Hired Me As Their Official Hot Dog Correspondent and Honestly, I Don’t Understand Why Either?, July 3, 2017
  • Yelp Review For Dining At My Desk, June 30, 2017
  • I Miss New York, June 28, 2017
  • Hey Facebook Friends, Here’s My Wound!, June 14, 2017
  • Spinning for Beginners, June 13, 2017
  • Notes From Parents Regarding Their Children’s Shortcomings, June 6, 2017
  • How to Beat iPhone Addiction by Smoking at the Office, May 25, 2017
  • How to Cook a Burger… For One, May 24, 2017
  • Essay Contest: Win a Date to Your Own Prom, May 23, 2017
  • Would You Fit In More At An Imagine Dragons Concert Or A Sbarro’s Restroom?, May 22, 2017
  • Please Stop Climbing Into My Black Toyota Camry, May 18, 2017
  • SAVE OUR NATIONAL PARKS SO I CAN LEGALLY FUCK IN THE WOODS, May 15, 2017
  • A Second-by-Second Account of that Time I Held the Door Open Inappropriately Long for a Random Stranger, May 10, 2017
  • Agony Niece: An Advice Column, May 9, 2017
  • Is It Too Late to Submit My United Jokes?, April 28, 2017
  • The Game of Cat, April 25, 2017
  • Sign Up Now For My Karate School Correspondence Class, April 24, 2017
  • Jokes for Children (Not Really) Part 2, April 17, 2017
  • Adult Basketball, April 14, 2017
  • An Open Letter To The Person Who Tried To Start A Clap At The Rock Concert, April 12, 2017
  • Diana Prince: Queen of the Amazons, Wonder Woman, Copywriter, April 4, 2017
  • Have You Tried the Sangria at Hamilton?, March 31, 2017
  • Constructive Feedback for My Kidnappers, March 17, 2017
  • A Word of Advice to the Undergrad With Open Sores Giving Free Hugs in the Quad, March 14, 2017
  • Order Now! Targeted Comfort Containers® For Trying Times, March 10, 2017
  • Hey Everyone. Over here. Look! It’s Emma Stone’s Nipple., March 9, 2017
  • This Is A Turtle… But Also, It Is Everything… So Also, It Is A Trampoline…, March 6, 2017
  • Open Letter to the Girl Scouts at Acme, February 28, 2017
  • Agony Niece: An Advice Column, February 21, 2017
  • Letter To Whomever Stole My Bike, February 8, 2017
  • My Apologies, February 3, 2017
  • In Our Time of Need, A Zmail to the Cast of Zoom, February 2, 2017
  • How to Live Vicariously Through Your Genderqueer Child, January 31, 2017
  • Big Pharma Rebrands for the Medical Marijuana Era, January 30, 2017
  • Every Single Time I Took a Pregnancy Test, January 27, 2017
  • 5-hour Energy® Chicken, January 9, 2017
  • That’s It, This Year I’m Normalizing Finding and Eating Colorful Birds My Damn Self, January 3, 2017
  • In 2017 I’m Going To Post A Lot More, January 2, 2017
  • Dear Santa, How Are You?, December 21, 2016
  • Ben Affleck: My Lord And Savior, December 20, 2016
  • This Woman Is Holding A Bake Sale To Help Avatar Reclaim Its Spot As The Highest Grossing Domestic Film Of All-Time, December 19, 2016
  • I Fear My Cow Is No Longer Organic, December 6, 2016
  • On the Judgement of Turkeys, A Review of New Restaurant TRKYC, November 29, 2016
  • The Advisability of Providing a Redundancy Package for Number Eight, November 25, 2016
  • Monster Pie, November 22, 2016
  • Thanksgiving Twenty Sixteen, November 21, 2016
  • The Cheese-Lover’s Dilemma, November 18, 2016
  • I Can’t Stop Finishing My Groceries Before I Reach My Car, November 4, 2016
  • Villanelles by The Village People, November 1, 2016
  • Tree, My Friend, October 31, 2016
  • I’m Pleased to Announce That We’re Promoting Jeff to Drug Elephant, October 27, 2016
  • Tooth Fairy, Your Business Model Is A Complete Failure, October 17, 2016
  • A Bagel App, Because Just Getting One is Too Easy, October 14, 2016
  • My Professor, September 21, 2016
  • An Open Letter to the Fairy Godmother, September 14, 2016
  • Anne Frank, Abridged, September 13, 2016
  • This Autobot Was Not As Billed, September 12, 2016
  • A Census of Your Wedding to a LaVeyan Satanist, September 9, 2016
  • The Fact That My Cat is Voting for Donald Trump Has Me Very Worried About the State of our Nation, August 31, 2016
  • Millennials Ruined The Olympics, August 30, 2016
  • These New Visa Categories Are Hella Specific, August 25, 2016
  • You Will Not Believe What Happens Next, August 23, 2016
  • I’m Voting For A Third Party Candidate Because The System Is Rigged And I’m Mad At My Mom, August 22, 2016
  • Count Dracula’s Airbnb Posting, August 12, 2016
  • Pissed Off Dads Making Lame Threats to Smart-Aleck Teenagers, Through the Ages, August 3, 2016
  • What Do You Say We Throw Around This Football?, August 2, 2016
  • A Yelp Review for a Burrito Stand by a Man Who’s Never Heard of Burritos, but Loves Donkey’s, July 29, 2016
  • Hey! Do You Need A Distraction?, July 27, 2016
  • Dating Your Bachelor/ette, July 25, 2016
  • How to Win at Scratch Tickets, July 22, 2016
  • Rainbow, July 19, 2016
  • My Best Invention Yet (Until the Next One), July 13, 2016
  • An Open Letter To The Filmmaker Who Adapts My Murder Into A Mini Series, July 6, 2016
  • Let’s Be Real Fucking Clear Who The Star Of This Rummage Sale Is, July 5, 2016
  • When To Use Your Phone As A Shield Against Failure, Social Anxiety, and Existential Malaise, June 30, 2016
  • I Have Nothing to Say About Your Baby, June 24, 2016
  • (no subject), June 20, 2016
  • A Review of God’s New Late Night Talk Show in The Heaven Times, June 14, 2016
  • Stevie Wonder is Deaf, June 9, 2016
  • Dear Handsome Lumberjack Oregonian/Possible Subletter, June 3, 2016
  • My At-Home Waxing Experience, May 26, 2016
  • Inner Monologue: 24 Hours Until The First Sex Party I Was Ever Invited To, May 25, 2016
  • “Urinality” Test: Which Urinal You Use Says A Lot About Your Personality, May 19, 2016
  • An Excerpt from ‘Avocado Plus Toast = Avocado Toast: A Memoir’ by Simone Tass, May 16, 2016
  • It Happens: You Got Insulted at the Water Cooler, May 9, 2016
  • What Your Engagement Photo Really Says About Your Relationship, May 6, 2016
  • We Need to Talk About Zika for Like 10 Seconds, April 28, 2016
  • Questions to Ask If You Suspect You Might Be Living in an HGTV Show, April 27, 2016
  • Proposal of Marriage with a Mutual Aquaintance, April 26, 2016
  • A Foodie’s Recipe to a Revenge Best Served, April 21, 2016
  • Twas the Day Fore 4/20, April 20, 2016
  • Friendship Encounter Satisfaction Survey, April 13, 2016
  • What Happened to Millennials? Participation Awards., April 5, 2016
  • Canada’s Ongoing Struggle with Indie Musicians, March 23, 2016
  • Easy Two-Step Guide to Writing a Monkey Movie, March 10, 2016
  • Pride, Prejudice, and TFW the Thirst is So Real, March 8, 2016
  • Getting My Laundry From My Parents’ House, March 7, 2016
  • A Recipe for the Modern Horse, March 4, 2016
  • Wine Eleven: Party Wizard Party Size Moscato, February 22, 2016
  • Letters to Myself, February 17, 2016
  • I Held Soil In My Hands For Eight Straight Weeks, Here’s What Happened, February 10, 2016
  • Stained, January 26, 2016
  • Wine Eleven: Minstrel’s Pallor Farms Sauvignon Blanc, January 18, 2016
  • Which Puppy Had The Best Winter Break?, January 8, 2016
  • Yelp Reviews by Your Super Nice Friend Natalie, January 4, 2016
  • Guide to Office Humor, December 30, 2015
  • 2015 Year in Review, December 21, 2015
  • Which Dog Knows You’re a Bad Person?, December 18, 2015
  • Finally! A Holiday Gift Basket for People Who Have Everything, December 17, 2015
  • I Wrote a Review of ‘The Apartment’ and Totally Brought My Own Baggage to It and You Can Just Deal with It, December 16, 2015
  • How to Sit, December 10, 2015
  • Text Translation Guide: Texts From Your Parents, December 9, 2015
  • Reeves’ Recipes: Thanksgiving Mashed Potatoes Edition, November 24, 2015
  • Let Me Tell You About My Lawsuit(s), November 20, 2015
  • Dear Ratty Concert Tee From Eight Years Ago, November 18, 2015
  • Grandpa’s Fears, November 17, 2015
  • How to Kiss, October 26, 2015
  • Get Protected with LYFE LOCK®, October 22, 2015
  • 10 Steps to Avoid Challenging Post-Movie Conversations, October 21, 2015
  • Near Death, as My Life Flashed Before Me, There Was a Hilarious Blooper Reel Crassly Sponsored by Mountain Dew Code Red, October 20, 2015
  • How to Be Single, October 12, 2015
  • Dog or Grocery Bags?, October 5, 2015
  • Bernie Sanders Does Not Want You To Talk About His Hair, October 2, 2015
  • The Biggest Issues in the Coming Election Year, September 28, 2015
  • What Should I Get for Lunch!?, September 23, 2015
  • Ten Things to Do Instead of Going out to Get a Pack of Cigarettes, September 17, 2015
  • My Intervention Letter to Jokes About Al Gore Inventing the Internet, September 15, 2015
  • Love, Sing, Dance, Etc., September 14, 2015
  • A Yelp Review of God, September 1, 2015
  • Get Hired Using This One Simple Hack: Clickbait in Your Cover Letter, August 28, 2015
  • A Day in the Life of a Coffee Lover, August 24, 2015
  • The Definitive Guide to Parenting, August 19, 2015
  • A Taxonomy of Common Birds of Los Angeles, Objectively Ranked from Best to Worst According to My Personal Preferences, August 4, 2015
  • Vegan Food Journal, July 27, 2015
  • Shark Season PSA, July 22, 2015
  • The Casablanca Drinking Game, July 16, 2015
  • The Dad Jones Index, July 13, 2015
  • Minions, Money and the American Dream, July 10, 2015
  • Long Lost Lyrics to Pomp and Circumstance, July 7, 2015
  • Honest Wedding Invitations, June 30, 2015
  • A Birthday Email From Mom, June 29, 2015
  • Exclusive Interview With LeBron James, June 11, 2015
  • For Rent, June 10, 2015
  • Interview: Matthew Weiner Breaks Down The Brilliant “Mad Men” Finale, May 18, 2015
  • Global Warming 7-Day Weather Forecast, May 11, 2015
  • Single & Searching, May 7, 2015
  • Robert Durst’s New TV Show, May 4, 2015
  • Prescription Drugs For Your Musical Preferences, April 29, 2015
  • Excerpts From My 4th Grade Diary Continued, April 24, 2015
  • Text Translation Guide: The New Emoji Keyboard, April 10, 2015
  • Dental X-Ray of a Cold War Russian Super Spy, March 18, 2015
  • My March Sadness Bracket, March 16, 2015
  • Making the Bat Most-vah of Your Bat Mitzvah, February 25, 2015
  • My Unused Academy Award Acceptance Speech, February 23, 2015
  • Who’s Glad They’re Wearing Shoes?, February 20, 2015
  • Butter Your Coffee, Change Your Life, February 19, 2015
  • The Internet’s One Million Dollar Thread Killer, February 17, 2015
  • IMDB Pages By Your Mom, January 19, 2015
  • Zach’s Cooking Corner, January 14, 2015
  • January Newsletter for Paige Weldon Subscribers, January 7, 2015
  • The Dad Jones Index, January 2, 2015
  • The Year in Review: 2014 B.C., December 31, 2014
  • A Letter to Little Jackie Paper, December 30, 2014
  • Naughty or Nice?, December 25, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Holidays!, December 24, 2014
  • Pong: Brent/Cody Take First Step to Grandmaster, December 19, 2014
  • Customer Reviews of Sherlock Holmes’ Side Business as a Caricature Artist, December 18, 2014
  • Get Rich Quick!, December 15, 2014
  • The Zapruder Studio Notes, December 11, 2014
  • If I Had Starred in The Shining, Things Would Have Turned Out Different, December 10, 2014
  • This Amazing New Antidepressant is Changing People’s Lives, December 8, 2014
  • LinkedIn Park, December 5, 2014
  • Jury Duty, November 28, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: HOLLYWOOD, November 26, 2014
  • An Inspirational Quote from Adam Allgood, November 21, 2014
  • Pitchfork Media Reviews an Actual Pitchfork, November 19, 2014
  • Thanksgiving Haikus by Pistachio, November 10, 2014
  • Text Translation Guide: Texts From Hell, October 31, 2014
  • Wolfman’s Night Out, October 29, 2014
  • eHow2Cook: A Caesar Salad, October 28, 2014
  • Death on Facebook, October 23, 2014
  • Life Was Simpler When I Was Having Sex With Ghosts, October 22, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: Sex, Business and ‘Zas, October 20, 2014
  • Epilogues From My Lost Screenplay, October 16, 2014
  • Behind the Meow-Sic: The Making of the Meow Mix Song, October 10, 2014
  • Monster Manual: Gym Edition, October 8, 2014
  • The Roast of That Guy I Went on Like 4 Dates with Last Year, October 6, 2014
  • RoboCop’s OkCupid Profile, October 3, 2014
  • Text Translation Guide: Drumk Txts, October 1, 2014
  • Justine Barron’s Five-Year Plan to Success (and Possible MacArthur Genius Award), September 30, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: Magic, Culture and Cars!, September 19, 2014
  • Dear California Pizza Kitchen, September 15, 2014
  • How I Would’ve Done It: Star Trek Edition, September 10, 2014
  • Pistachio vs. City Councilman Paul Koretz, September 5, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Past, August 25, 2014
  • Monthly Newsletter for Paige Weldon Subscribers, August 18, 2014
  • Ellen’s Selfless Act, August 14, 2014
  • A Proposal for Rosetta Stone, August 8, 2014
  • A Sexy Sacrifice for a Serious Drought, July 29, 2014
  • Text Translation Guide: The Texts of Summer, July 25, 2014
  • America, I Think I’m Poor Enough to Be Your President, July 24, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Children, July 23, 2014
  • 5 Dumb Questions for Norm Macdonald, July 14, 2014
  • My Short Stint as a Phone Operator, July 10, 2014
  • The Roast of Pistachio, July 7, 2014
  • Spray Can Dance, July 1, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries: Books, Beards and Babes, June 25, 2014
  • To Scroll or Not to Scroll, June 23, 2014
  • Dew Review, June 20, 2014
  • Buildin’ Your Beach Bod with Mark Mitchell, June 18, 2014
  • Jim Pluett’s Yelp Reviews, June 16, 2014
  • Corrections to the Statements of Allegra Ringo at Age 14, June 13, 2014
  • Poems That Got Away From Me, June 11, 2014
  • LOST DOG, June 6, 2014
  • The Incredible Hypno-Meeting™, June 2, 2014
  • Bad Advice, May 30, 2014
  • Excerpts From My 4th Grade Diary, May 26, 2014
  • Text Translation Guide: Pics, Dick and Otherwise, May 23, 2014
  • A Sony Executive Reviews The Amazing Spider-Man 2, May 21, 2014
  • Life, Love and Other Mysteries, May 19, 2014
  • Palm Trees Are Honestly Sick, May 12, 2014
  • Songs are Sad: Brand New Songs Edition, May 9, 2014
  • The Little Sister Handbook, May 8, 2014
  • The Obituary of Raj Desai by Raj Desai, May 7, 2014
  • Is Zumba Right for You? A Super Summer Fitness Quiz, May 6, 2014
  • Grammar Rules!, April 30, 2014
  • Chase Bernstein’s Earthquake Survival Seminar, April 28, 2014
  • My Online Dating Profile, April 24, 2014
  • The Writer’s Dilemma, April 18, 2014
  • Buying a Slow Cooker: Threshold to Adulthood, April 16, 2014
  • Friendship: Is It Right for Me?, April 14, 2014
  • Office Haikus, April 11, 2014
  • For My Son, April 10, 2014
  • Google Calendar for My Art Heist, April 9, 2014
  • My Fetus and I Are BFFs, April 8, 2014
  • I Like It Anyway: Jen Kirkman and Millionaire Matchmaker, April 7, 2014
  • Which Puppy is Cuter: March Madness, April 7, 2014
  • Songs Are Sad: Bridge Disaster Edition, April 3, 2014
  • Why Puppies Aren’t Cute, April 1, 2014
  • George’s Unemployment Quiz, March 31, 2014
  • Text Translation Guide: Grammatical Efforts in Text, March 28, 2014
  • Meditations on Sexual Harassment, March 27, 2014
  • Underachieving: An Underappreciated Art, March 25, 2014
  • Dear Ashley, March 24, 2014
  • A Letter from the NSA, March 19, 2014
  • Safety Assessment: Earthquake Preparedness, March 18, 2014
  • I Like It Anyway: Jane Borden and Crappy Teen Movies, March 14, 2014
  • True Detective Commercials, March 10, 2014
  • Songs Are Sad: Oscars Edition, March 6, 2014
  • Hobby Corner: Fun Projects Using Only the Pipe Cleaners You Already Have Laying Around Your House, February 28, 2014
  • House for Sale (Totally Not Haunted), February 26, 2014
  • Frozen Review, February 24, 2014
  • Power Moves: The Ultimate Guide to Job Interview Success, February 19, 2014
  • My Nude Body, February 19, 2014
  • Your Subconscious Is a Terrible Director, February 18, 2014
  • How to Seduce Beautiful Women, February 11, 2014
  • Running a Temporary Okapi Sanctuary is Easier Than You Ever Imagined, February 7, 2014
  • Songs Are Sad: Love Songs, February 6, 2014
  • Public Service: Avoid Palm Cruise Lines, February 5, 2014
  • What Did Yeti Ever Do to Deserve This?, January 31, 2014
  • Nightswimming: My True Tale of Drugs, Vomit and Goldfish, January 29, 2014
  • Reeves’ Recipes: Alaskan BBQ Salmon Edition, January 28, 2014
  • Fun with Mad Libs! Jezebel Article Edition, January 27, 2014
  • Dance Camp, January 27, 2014
  • Text Translation Guide: Emoji-tional Intelligence, January 24, 2014
  • Rejection Letters for Famous Authors, January 21, 2014
  • Hobby Corner: Egg Cartons, January 20, 2014
  • A Memo from Bruce Wayne, Trustee, to the Board of Directors of the Gotham City Museum of Art, January 13, 2014
  • Letters to Dogs I’ve Loved and Men I’ve Dated, January 10, 2014
  • Official Guide to the 2014 NFL Playoffs, January 9, 2014
  • The Best Celebrity Scandals of 2014, January 3, 2014
  • Songs Are Sad: Beginnings, January 2, 2014
  • Hobby Corner, January 1, 2014
  • 2013 Movie Reviews from Professor of Movies, Paige Weldon, December 31, 2013
  • Text Translation Guide: The Answers to All Your Question Mark Questions, December 27, 2013
  • Calling All Fancy People, December 25, 2013
  • Wanted: Modern Day The Wings of the Dove, December 24, 2013
  • An Ode to My Retainers, December 16, 2013
  • Communiqué from the War on Christmas, December 6, 2013
  • Come Visit the Office Depot Paper Shredder Adoption Center this Black Friday!, November 29, 2013
  • I Like It Anyway: Dave Ross and Anthems, November 27, 2013
  • A Word From Your Spacebar, November 26, 2013
  • Sigma Chai Latte Pledge Rules, November 25, 2013
  • Text Translation Guide: Expressing Laughter, Out Loud and Otherwise, November 22, 2013
  • Pop-Culture Clash-Em-Ups!: Stoudemire vs. Stottlemeyer, November 20, 2013
  • She’s Braver Than We’ll Ever Be, November 12, 2013
  • Take Our Alcohol for Heart Health Quiz!, November 11, 2013
  • An Email Exchange with Pistachio, November 8, 2013
  • Simz 3 Game Update 2.57a, November 6, 2013
  • Thoughts on Rye: The Orphan Thanksgiving, November 1, 2013
  • How to Bake a Pumpkin Pie, October 31, 2013
  • Letters to Monsters: Kraken, October 29, 2013
  • Text Translation Guide: Terrifying Texts, October 25, 2013
  • I Like It Anyway: Dave Stone and Bigfoot, October 23, 2013
  • Happy Anniversary!, October 22, 2013
  • How I Would’ve Done It, October 18, 2013
  • Kim Jong-un’s Unread Emails to Barack Obama, October 8, 2013
  • Sweet Comebacks I Would Have Used On My Bullies if I Had Had Access to Their Facebook Profiles Ten Years in the Future, October 7, 2013
  • An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus from the Foam Finger, October 7, 2013
  • Blue Skies Ahead, October 1, 2013
  • Please Stop Asking Me If I’m Down with O.P.P. (I Thought You Knew Me), September 30, 2013
  • Text Translation Guide: Variants of the Word “Okay”, September 27, 2013
  • If My Sister and I Had Actually Tried to Sell Our First Car on Craigslist, September 25, 2013
  • Dreamluxe FR-970 Computer Chair Assembly Manual, September 24, 2013
  • I Know It Sucks But I Like It Anyway, September 20, 2013
  • How to Figure Out Your Porn Star Name, September 18, 2013
  • Yelp Review of My Barren Womb, September 17, 2013
  • Grumblebee’s Grumblings for September 12th, 2013, September 12, 2013
  • Thoughts on Rye: The Burrito Doctrine, September 10, 2013
  • To the Residents of Via Verde Villas Court Terrace Estates, September 6, 2013
  • An Open Letter to Bugs, September 4, 2013
  • Yelp Review of Earth, September 3, 2013
  • Text Translation Guide: Exclamation Points, August 30, 2013
  • Vegan Food Journal, August 26, 2013
  • Rules of Ball, August 21, 2013
  • Thank You for Your Interest in Stealing My Identity, August 16, 2013
  • How to Cook Beef Bourguignon, August 13, 2013
  • Dachshund Migration, August 8, 2013
  • Thoughts on Rye: A Guide to Transgender Pronouns, August 2, 2013
  • I Wanna Be a Bureaucrat, August 1, 2013
  • Promising Comedian Needs Dynamic, Hardworking Intern, July 31, 2013
  • Kind Regards, July 29, 2013
  • Love at First Byte, July 26, 2013
  • Invitation to a Pants Party, July 25, 2013
  • NASA Federal Safety Inspection: The Lunch/Launch Situation, July 24, 2013
  • The Diary of a Teenage Lifeguard, July 22, 2013
  • A Text From Your Secret Crush, July 19, 2013
  • Invitation to a Party with a Mandatory Poetry Slam, July 18, 2013
  • How to Care for a Chronically Ill Cat, July 16, 2013
  • Itinerary For A Family Reunion Held In A Snake Pit, July 4, 2013
  • What Not To Do After Four Tequila Shots #16: Turn On Your Computer, July 2, 2013
  • Stuff That* I’ve Been Reading, June 28, 2013
  • Today’s Obituaries, June 27, 2013
  • WWE Federal Safety Inspection, June 26, 2013
  • Valedictorian Speech, June 24, 2013
  • A Few Mascots They Want You to Forget, June 21, 2013
  • Today’s Obituaries, June 20, 2013
  • Underneath the Varnish, June 18, 2013
  • Today’s Obituaries, June 13, 2013
  • Ghostbusting Invoice, June 12, 2013
  • Filmericks, June 11, 2013
  • The Best Man’s Toast at the First Human-Alien Wedding, June 7, 2013
  • School of the Americas Aptitude Test, June 4, 2013
  • TV Haikus, May 30, 2013
  • I, Barista, May 29, 2013
  • Fred Durst vs. The People, May 27, 2013
  • Tracklist for 2Pac’s Next Posthumous L.P. “This Really Iz All We Have Left 2 Release”, May 24, 2013
  • TV Haikus, May 23, 2013
  • A Brief Tutorial on the Card Game Spades, May 17, 2013
  • TV Haikus, May 16, 2013
  • TV Haikus, May 9, 2013
  • A Guy Who Writes Rapturously About Baseball Tells You About His Lunch, May 8, 2013
  • Homestyle Farmland Factory Recall of the Week, May 7, 2013
  • The Courtship Resume, May 2, 2013
  • The Last Question, April 30, 2013
  • Resume for a High Five Expert, April 25, 2013
  • (no subject), April 22, 2013
  • Dear Mrs. Simmons, April 19, 2013
  • Cover Letter Re Position with Dornan International, April 18, 2013
  • IKEA Instructions: Translated, April 17, 2013
  • A Limerick, April 16, 2013
  • DogTV, April 15, 2013
  • Grumblebee’s Grumblings! for April 12th, 2013, April 12, 2013
  • Resume for an Elite Font User, April 11, 2013
  • LOST: ONE NOTEBOOK, April 4, 2013
  • PUNinis: A Collection of Sloppy Jokes, March 28, 2013
  • Canned Beauty, March 26, 2013
  • Mission Accomplished, March 25, 2013
  • How to Develop a Personality, March 22, 2013
  • Real Housewives of Atlanta Haikus, March 19, 2013
  • A Girl’s Plea for Why You Should Watch Soccer, March 18, 2013
  • You’re Invited, March 14, 2013
  • I Want to Bring the Mixtape Back!, March 8, 2013
  • Halle Berry’s the Best We’ve Got?: Female Minorities in Cinema and Lack Thereof, March 1, 2013
  • Dying Alone: The Life You’ve Just Chosen, February 28, 2013
  • There Must’ve Been a Fire at the Netflix Warehouse, February 26, 2013
  • Please Wash Your Hands Before You Touch The Mic, February 22, 2013
  • A Week in the Life of a Fired Cirque du Soleil Employee, February 20, 2013
  • Dear Dr. Jones, February 18, 2013
  • How to Deal with Nerds, February 15, 2013
  • White Owl, February 14, 2013
  • Finding a Poet, February 12, 2013
  • Excerpts from the Diary of Mitt Romney’s Bedroom Walls, February 11, 2013
  • WWWTF, February 7, 2013
  • Questions That Plague Me, February 5, 2013
  • Hot Stock Tips Based on No Information or Research, February 1, 2013
  • A World Without Noses, January 31, 2013
  • Well Done, C.A.R., January 30, 2013
  • What I Learned from Being a Pick-up Artist, January 28, 2013
  • A Letter to “The Breakfast Club” Explaining Why They All Failed, January 25, 2013
  • Rondeau, January 24, 2013
  • That Time I Almost Died, January 22, 2013
  • Exciting New Jokes Section, January 21, 2013
  • A Limerick, January 17, 2013
  • Welcome to the Unluminati, January 15, 2013
  • Reeves’ Recipes: Butternut Squash Edition, January 11, 2013
  • Assplay, January 10, 2013
  • Terminate Santiago with Extreme Prejudice, January 9, 2013
  • A Limerick, January 5, 2013
  • The Transvestite Rises, January 5, 2013
  • A Message from the President, January 5, 2013
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