“I was swimming alone in the pool in our backyard and, when I went in for a dive, my hair got stuck on a metal ring near the bottom of the pool. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but when I tried to rip it out, it wouldn’t budge. I tried again, as hard as I could, but it still wouldn’t budge. I started to panic, yanking it as hard as I could. It wasn’t working. Before I knew it, my chest began to tighten. I could feel my lungs starting to collapse. I thought I was done for, when, by complete miracle, a brown bear climbed our fence, dove into our pool, seized my head, dug his claws into my spine and thrashed me around like a plastic bag until my hair ripped loose and I was free from the clutches of death. I owe my life to that bear – he has taken my right arm, most of the skin on my face, both of my eyeballs, all my social confidence, and the feeling in both of my legs, but I owe entire my life, which according to doctors, is about 72-hours maximum.”
“I was walking back home after a long-shift at work, when I suddenly heard what sounded like a jackhammer. I looked around, and, to my left, a car was flipping over, rapidly barreling in my direction, like a sequence from The Fast and The Furious. I had no time to react. It was a matter of seconds before I was dead. I closed my eyes and felt, what seemed like, a large teddy bear. I re-opened my eyes and, I was right, a black bear was two mouthfuls into eating my face. The bear, who was a complete stranger to me, sacrificed his body, and jumped in front of a 50-MPH tumbling steel death-trap, to get a few, more than a few, tastes of my skull. I wouldn’t be here today if not for that black bear, well, technically I’m not here today, I have been in a coma for over 9 months, and will likely never snap out of it, the bear pretty much ate my entire head, but, I wouldn’t be here, dormant, lights-out on a hospital bed, if not for that black bear.”
“I was walking down an alley in the middle of the night and a man leaps out of the shadows and presses a gun to my neck. In a shaky voice, he says, “I know who you are, motherfucker. I will kill you, right here, right now.” I kept trying to tell him that I could not have been the person he was looking for, that I was just a Senior Engineer who worked for Ford, but he was convinced that I was a hitman hired to kill him. No matter how much I begged and showed him evidence of who I was, he wouldn’t give in. But just before he pulled the trigger, a spectacled bear jumped from the top of a building and shot the man from the shadows, in the face, with a shotgun. I was so relieved that I didn’t even question how a bear could operate a shotgun. I went to give the bear a hug of gratitude, but that was a mistake, because then the bear whispered in my ear, “I know who you are, motherfucker. I will kill you right here, right now.” The bear repeatedly shot me in the stomach, face and chest until I died and then for a few minutes after I died.”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!