As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on November 22, 2016.

“Pie is the best part of Thanksgiving,” you’re probably thinking, “but by the time it’s served I’m so tired from all that turkey I can barely keep my dang eyes open!”

Enter the ultimate solution: a Thanksgiving dessert that can also wake you the fuck up.


Side note — When you search “Monster,” Google doesn’t fuck around:



1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, or 204 degrees Celsius if you’re a little European bitch. Bake your empty crust for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown.

2. Lower the oven temperature to 375 degrees F/190 degrees C. Separate egg yolks from whites. Whisk egg yolks in medium size mixing bowl and set off to the fucking side.

3. In a medium saucepan, combine cornstarch, 3, sugar, and salt.



4. Turn heat on medium and, stirring frequently, bring mixture to a boil. Boil for 1 fucking minute.

5. Remove saucepan from heat. Remove shirt. Cool down with a few sips of 3.


(chef’s note: started baking this pie and the skull tattoo on my arm just appeared)

6. Make the sick ass meringue by whisking the egg whites and cream of tartar in a large bowl, or you can use a mixer if you’re weak. Once soft peaks form, add the sugar. Since nothing about Monster  is soft, afterwards keep whisking until stiff peaks form.

7. Pour filling into pie crust. Top with meringue. Put the whole thing in the oven for 10-12 minutes or until the meringue is golden brown.

6 7

8. Watch X-game highlight videos on YouTube until the pie is cool. You can also pop it in the fridge or freezer to cool it down faster.

Side note: From 2004 to 2012, five people have died after drinking Monster. Sick.

9. Use some of the leftover filling to decorate the pie.

Other possible decoration ideas:


10. Cut into slices and serve.



After a slice of pie like this, you’ll definitely school your little cousin in Trivial Pursuit. Thanks for reading, and from my family to yours —




The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!