Monthly Affirmations Because I’m Fucking Busy
By
May 3, 2017

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I deserve to pay my rent. 

I will get my period.

I am healthy. (I paid my insurance bill so I am healthy.)

I am powerful this month even though the power bill only comes every other month.

I have a network of support and love. (I have unlimited data.)

Everyone has this many bills. (Right?)

I love myself. On nights and weekends. And that’s enough.

I forgive myself. I forget what for because it was a couple weeks ago, but generally I forgive myself.

I am unique. No one else is this busy.

Why am I so busy?

Did I pay the electric bill?

Who cares? I am electric. Yeah, that was a good one.

My face is not weird.

My face just looks weird right now because these affirmations are the only time I look in the mirror. My face is not weird.

It’s okay if my face is weird.

I have to go. I’m late for a meeting.

I get to go to a meeting.

I am the master of my own destiny.

I am doing great and no one will be mad at me at the meeting.

I have the right to quit doing these affirmations.

I love myself plenty.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

 

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