1. One time I was at this restaurant, just minding my own business, and who should I see but none other than Dynasty Star Joan Collins! I’m a bit of a fan, so admittedly I was stoked. I ran to her table and began opening up about how much her work meant to me. But before I could even finish she cut me off, giving some BS story about how she “appreciated it” but was very hungry and wanted to place her order. She then asked me for some water for the table. What a diva!
2. You meet celebrities in the strangest of places. Like this one time I was going for a night jog, just clearing my head, and guess who I saw entering Whole Foods? None other than character actor Dame Joan Collins! I was floored. I knew I had to get her autograph, so I sprinted towards her with pen in hand. Before I could scream “JOAN I LOVE YOU CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH” she got one look at me and began ranting and raving about how she recognized me as “that intrusive waiter” and then she accused me of following her. She scurried into Whole Foods totally leaving me in the lurch. So little appreciation for a true fan. Real classy, Joan.
3. I was at a car wash in Calabasas, California, just chillin’, when suddenly this shiny white Cadillac pulls up. My jaw nearly hit the floor when I saw who hopped out – star of the hit soap opera Dynasty John Forsythe! That’s right, one of Joan Collins’s co-stars! I was over the moon! I knew just the question to ask him. I pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket and hustled up to the car. “Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe!” I yelled. Without looking up he pulls a marker out of his jacket pocket and scribbles his autograph. I say, “Yeah, yeah that’s great and all but can you look at the address on the paper?” I told him about how I found what purports to be Joan Collins’s home address and I was hoping he could confirm if it’s real. Out of nowhere his face gets beet red and he starts going on and on about how he hasn’t spoken to “Joanie” in years, and that my question was “really inappropriate” and that he was going to alert “the authorities.” Then he hops right back in his car without getting it washed. Typical aloof celebrity!
4. I was in Beverly Hills, just keeping to myself and rooting through Joan Collins’s garbage, when out of nowhere I come face to face with world-famous actress Joan Collins! That’s right, the star of Our Girl Friday in the flesh! I was so taken aback to see a huge movie star standing in front of Joan Collins’s garbage that I became tongue-tied. Unfortunately, this Hollywood starlet had plenty to say. She starts spewing nonsense like “what are you doing in my garbage?” “Police, police, help!” “Please don’t hurt me!” and “Oh god, oh god.” YEESH!
5. One day I was in court with my lawyer, just doing my thing, when who did I see taking the stand but witness for the prosecution Joan Collins! Before my very eyes! I was totally bowled-over. I tried asking for her autograph, but a judge told me to be quiet. Then out of nowhere Joan starts pointing at me and shouting about how “that’s the man. Him, right there” and how she was “scared for her life.” Get OVER yourself, Joan! You know, If you’re not careful, someday I might not be your number 1 fan anymore.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!