These are my best friends:

John Timothy
-Good guy
-Writes Blood & Oil/Wreck-It Ralph fan-fiction

Madeline Von Snoots
-Loves knives & witchcraft

Petey “Zoom Zoom” MaGruff
-Cars: this guy can’t get enough of ‘em!!

Paul “Watches Stuff Just for January Jones” Giamatti
-Not the Paul Giamatti you’re thinking of. His name is just also Paul Giamatti.
-Didn’t care for Mad Men as a whole, but watched the whole series just for Betty (he HATED the finale)

Patricia Roomba
-Married her Roomba in a ‘spiritually,’ if not legally, binding ceremony
-Makes us call her this now
-We tried to stop her. We really did.
-Mr. Roomba’s honestly not that bad, though

Alexander The Pug
-SO smart
-a little pretentious
-Won’t answer to ‘Alex’
-13 lbs.

“Tea-a and Jam-era Mowry”
-This is just Gladys
-We gave her this nickname cause she drinks tea instead of coffee and sometimes eats PB&J for lunch (like, once a week)

Lucy “Beans” Thomson
-Coffee: this lady can’t get enough of it!


-Also fine.

John Malkovich
-Wants to be an actor
-Funny guy of the group

My deepest, darkest secrets
-Love to party


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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