My Brother’s Ghost
By
February 20, 2017

1487586967_1My brother is 13 years old. He plays video games, listens to rap, and calls every single one of his teachers a “pussy bitch” behind their backs. Especially his teacher “Mr. Ledesma.” Actually he says this exclusively towards Mr. Ledesma. Normally, I would discourage this type of behavior, but in all fairness, Ledesma teaches Algebra and gives extra homework. So the name calling is totally justifiable. All around, my brother is a pretty normal teenager. But lately, he has been acting a little bit different. He’s been having a lot of nightmares and as a result, he’s losing sleep. My initial thought was “Damn, he got someone pregnant. Way to mess up your life!” But it was actually way worse!

My brother told me that lately, he’s been seeing the spirit of a little girl inside of his closet and regularly sees her in his dreams. Upon hearing this I told him to “get the fuck away from me.” After a few minutes of collecting myself, I offered help to resolve this haunting.

For the rest of the night we stayed up in hopes of capturing, destroying, and perhaps even killing this ghost. Yes, you can kill a ghost, like all things, a bullet to the head will destroy it. Proven fact. Here is what happened:

8:53 PM: We turned off all the lights in the house in an attempt to let the ghost know that we are not afraid. A psychological tactic verified by top researchers in the paranormal field.

9:00 PM: We hear a very loud thump. We quickly investigate, disappointed to find that it was only our grandmother. She fell hard to the floor due to the lack of light. We continue with the investigation despite the distraction.

9:11 PM: My brother peeks at his phone and giggles because it says 9/11. We share a laugh. Both aware that it may be the last time we ever laugh.

9:40PM: Nothing so far. We heard a lot of what we thought was spectral wailing, but it was just our grandmother. She has yet to get up. We let her tire herself out. We may use her body as a vessel to communicate with the spirit world if things get out of hand.

10:00:PM: We need a way to draw out this spirit. Since my brother is the one being tormented, I propose we use him to lure out the apparition of the girl. I tie him to a chair and put a burlap sack over his head. I occasionally scare him by smacking him with a ruler and spatula. The fear he experiences will likely lure out the spirit of this girl. Very much like bait, thus making it easier to confront her.

10:50 PM: My brother has developed a phobia of spatulas and rulers.

11:25 PM: We begin to see some paranormal activity. As we walk into the kitchen we see all the cupboard doors open and all the chairs are stacked in a peculiar way atop the table. We then call out to the spirit, “Spirit! Can you please do the dishes!!”

11:45 PM: We use a Ouija board to contact any nearby spirits for assistance. We received a reply, it said, “Congratulations you are the 1,000,000th user you get…” We close the board out of fear.

12:35 AM: The Spirit was angered by the use of the board. All of the doors slammed, windows shut so hard they shattered, and the candles have been blown out.

12:36 AM: My brother can’t move. He is paralyzed with fear. I act quickly and begin to draw pentagrams throughout the house to protect us. Contrary to popular belief, pentagrams are not inherently evil. They were originally used to repel evil spirits/entities. I enhance the power of the pentagram by adhering pure imagery to the center of the star. Pictures of puppies and my friend who has not had sex.

1:00AM: The spirit reveals itself. It does not talk. It stands there. I see my brother reach for something in his pocket. It’s a gun. I knew it. My brother is always strapped.

1:01 AM: My brother aims and shoots. The rest is history. The ghost is no more. The spirit got blasted. Ectoplasm everywhere. The lights come back on. The torment is over.

I walk my brother back to his room. He cries and I tell him it’s okay; ghosts aren’t people. I also tell him to go to bed because he has school tomorrow. He cries even more. It was just another day.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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