My Dream Roles
December 11, 2013

A fun way to watch movies is to imagine who you could be in the movie! Here’s my list of movie parts I would love to play:

Doctor telling stressed detective that he “better slow down”

Worried guy in control room who turns from his computer to say, “We just lost the entire east coast”

Janitor who has to clean up the day campers’ food fight

Hostage who yells, “You’ll never get away with this!” before being beaten to death

Guy in high school bully’s entourage who says, “Forget it, Luke, he’s not worth it.” Then, when we walk away, I look back at the skinny victim as if to say, “I get what you’re going through, but I can’t really break the social contract here.”

Cop who calls dispatch

College student at the kegger who dry heaves when the fat best friend goes streaking

Baker bobbling the giant wedding cake he made for Dustin Hoffman’s daughter after Vince Vaughn accidentally lets the family Great Dane off the leash

Retail store manager giving verbal warning to angsty teen heroine about her shirt-folding technique

Hotel concierge who happily welcomes Ed Helms to Pittsburgh

Hot dog vendor who looks up, mouth agape, shocked to see a superhero fly past

Waiter at fancy restaurant who asks free-spirited woman to stop playing the spoons

Sassy black assistant


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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