My Nude Body
February 19, 2014

Hello all.

This is my fourth submission to the Higgs Weldon website and this time around I wanted to get a little more personal.

Who is Adam Allgood?

More like, what does Adam’s naked body look like?

Well, today I will proceed as such. I will describe exactly what my nude body looks like.


Me too.

I assume most who know me or have seen me, know what my head, neck, hands and arms look like, so we’ll skip those parts and get to the good stuff.

The Chest:

Light amount of chest hair surrounding the sternum. I assume this comes from my mother’s side of the family. My mother recently showed me her “23andMe” genetic breakdown. Fourteen percent was “Native American/East Asian,” thus making me 7%. People of Native American and East Asian descent live in warm and humid climates, thus giving them lesser genetic need for body hair.

The Nipples:

Normal nipples. Nothing crazy here. Except for the fact that they excrete a blue serum every two years. I have extensively analyzed this serum and have come to the conclusion that composition of this blue liquid is “Not of this world.”


The Tummy:

Again, light hair on the tummy. The hair grows in almost a pear shape, with the belly button lying at, what I would describe to be, the “Center of Gravity” of the pear.

Below the Waist (Uh oh!):

The first thing you see below the waist is two seminal rings hanging just above my Vendasa. I have an average sized Vendasa, but hey, it’s how you use it that matters, am I right!

Once you pass the Vendasa, you will see my beak. The beak splits into two Tremules, and each of the Tremules splits into six Noodles.

I have about a size 22 Noodle. I remembered reading that Michael Jordan had a size 92 Noodle. Crazy!

My noodles are then covered in thousands and thousands of Krets. Whenever I go to the doctor he says “Adam, You have the highest Kret count I’ve ever seen”! So that’s a point of pride for me.

I once knew a guy who could touch his Krets to the top of his Tremule, but I was never that flexible.


Now we get to my Xaqs. Yes, the Xaqs hang amongst the Noodles, but I decided to give them their own section.

I have 13 Xaqs–it is actually quite rare for one to have an odd amount of Xaqs.

They are a very dark blue, almost black, which comes from my dad’s side. I saw his “23andMe” also and he is about 60% Northern European. So it’s no surprise!

I don’t mean to get too dirty here, but I scrape my Xaqs twice a day. Some guys say that’s too little, but I hear of some dudes doing it 30 times in one day! That just seems like overkill.

The Backside:

I actually can’t describe my backside because I have never seen it, and I don’t believe in mirrors.

Thank you for reading, everyone. I hope this gave you more insight into WHO I AM.

And remember, everyone is unique so embrace your body. It’s part of who you are!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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