My Professor
By
September 21, 2016

I am taking a political science class. Every Thursday I’m so fucking bored. Luckily, my professor sometimes manages to make this class time bearable. She is very smart, and very nice. She looks like Aunt Jemima, but white. She’s very vapid and boring, but it’s extremely entertaining when she tries to be lively.

I think she has tried to impress us before, by appearing “cool.” She says she used to work for the C.I.A. I don’t believe this because she can never log into the school network, despite the password popping up after every failed attempt. It takes her several tries and the password is Glendale.

She has made some attempts to be relatable to the youth, but no luck. It’s a universal fact that old people trying to be cool is the funniest thing ever. After class I saw her lesson plan for the following week, and I’m pretty sure she is finally going to find some ground, and officially become “cool.” Here it is:

Political Science Lesson Outline: 9/22/16

6:55pm- Attendance: I think I will switch things up with attendance today. I’m going to say “If you hear your name can I get a ‘What, What!’ And if someone is absent please say, ‘That fool dead.’”

7:05pm- Tell the class a story about how I killed some crazy freaking dudes while I was in The C.I.A. with a freaking banana. Conclude this anecdote by saying, “I’m so wild, y’all don’t even know tho!”

7:30pm- Real quick does anybody here like me? Please tell me why.

7:45pm- Ask “You Guys like Hip-Hop?” Dab! (Do the dab)

8:00pm- The Illuminati is freaking real. Your choices are not yours.

8:10pm- Offer Extra Credit. Selena video notes.

8:25pm- Mention that we will have an exam in about 2 weeks. It’s very important. Emphasize that students can come to your office hours. Smoke and chill. You will provide answers. You have tenure. Say acronym “IDGAF.” Do the dab! (Choose an alternate direction for this dab)

8:50pm- Brief presentation on how: Chemtrails are REAL. Climate change is REAL. The Devil is REAL

9:30pm- Ok. Who can ball me up at 2k? LOL I brought a PS4. Mention there are only 4 controllers, so 30 second quarters, that way everyone plays. Protect your rep.

9:45pm- Class Cipher. (Remember this means everybody takes turns freestyle rapping). Remain within the parameters of these subjects: Money, Hoes, Clothes, GPA. They are the most important things. Remind them who the coolest professor on campus is. YOU. (Me)

9:55pm- Conclude with classroom orgy. Legendary college experience. Classic college event. Announce that class is cancelled next week in memory of how “Lit” everything was.

I absolutely have to be cool from now on. Their opinion means everything. I think this is a great first step.

 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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