As an aspiring comedic actress, I know it’s only a matter of time before Lorne Michaels calls upon me to fly to New York City to show him my stuff. This is a moment I have been dreaming of my whole life, so it needs to be perfect.
In preparation for this hypothetical life-changing event, I’ve decide to write out a script of how I would like my audition to go. I hope you will take this time to give it a look and send me any notes you think may be helpful in my achieving my dreams. Thanks!
INT. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE STAGE – DAY
SABRINA BRENNAN (21, me) walks onto the SNL stage.
LORNE MICHAELS (73), SETH MEYERS (48), and TINA FEY (50) sit in the audience. Why are Seth and Tina there? The answer is: they’re just there.
ME: Hello, I’m Sabrina Brendan- oh gosh sorry, I meant to say Sabrina Brennan. Sorry, anyway, um okay. I’ll just start?
SETH: Whenever you’re ready.
ME: Okay. Well…
ME: Here are some characters.
[Seth moves uncomfortably in his chair. Lorne scratches his nose. I take a deep breath and begin.]
ME: My first character is Mrs. Stewart, a kindergarten teacher with some anger issues.
[I put on silly glasses and do a mid-western accent.]
ME: Now you crazy kids better do your homework or I’ll stab yah with those crayons yah love so much. Tickle me pink? More like stab me pink!
[A beat. Lorne chuckles. So does Seth, then Tina. Next thing I know, they are all laughing hysterically.]
ME: My next character is Frankie, the Swedish Fireman who always gets caught in elevators.
[I proceed to do this really good Swedish accent and bang on an invisible door that looks super realistic.]
ME: Oh no! Not again!
[The three of them laugh even harder this time. Tina opens her blazer to reveal an “I Heart Sabrina” T-Shirt. Did she have that on the whole time? The answer is: yes.]
ME: Oh wow, oh my God, thanks, okay. This next character is called: Terry The Talking Panda That’s ALWAYS Late To School
[I put on a full panda suit and a backpack. All I need is the school bus, but, oh no, I look through my bag and I can’t find it! I’m doomed!]
ME: I’m sorry, I forgot to bring my school bus for this bit. My audition is ruined. I guess I should just leave.
[Suddenly, WILL FERRELL (50, my best friend) repels down from the ceiling, dressed as a school bus.]
WILL: Maybe I can help.
[Everyone cheers. Tina throws confetti into the air, Lorne catches all of it, piece by piece.]
[Then I chase Will around the stage for a good six minutes telling him to slow down because I have to get to school on time. Everyone laughs some more. Seth pees his pants, but no one makes fun of him for it, because everyone else has also peed their pants because I am so funny.]
[We stop running. Will bows and takes a seat in the audience.]
ME: Okay. Now, it’s time for some impressions. Are you guys ready for some really good impressions?
EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah!
ME: I can’t hear you!
EVERYONE ELSE: YEAHHHH!!!!
ME: I don’t know if I should…
LORNE: (through tears) SABRINA! PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO, I NEED TO SEE THIS!
ME: Okay Lorne, I, Sabrina Brennan, will do it. Or should I say… JENNIFER LAWRENCE will do it!
[Everyone screams in glee. Then I do a really good Jennifer Lawrence impression. Lorne starts throwing hundred dollar bills onto the stage. Tina throws me her grandmother’s wedding ring. I catch it, of course.]
[I seamlessly transition into my Kermit the Frog impression.]
ME: There are SO many songs about rainbows. What’s up with that?
[Everyone keeps laughing. SNL cast members of past, present and future start to make their way into the audience for the grand finale. Future-Me is there too. She gives me a wink. I wink back.]
ME: My final impression will be…. the entire cast of Hamilton… on a bouncy castle.
SETH: So topical!
TINA: So important for women everywhere!
LORNE: I’ve never been to heaven, but if it’s anything less than this performance then God should just damn me to hell right now!
[I perform a 2 hour 45 minute performance of Hamilton on a bouncy castle, with a 15 minute intermission where I let the audience and Twitter users ask me questions using the hashtag #Gr8estComedianOnEarth.]
[I take a bow. The Rockettes come out and sing a song about me to the tune of Bow Wow Wow’s “I Want Candy.”]
ME: Well, I better getting going. My mom made chicken parmesan for dinner. Once again, I am Sabrina Brennan and I am unrepresented.
[I start to walk out the door, but Lorne stops me. You’ll hear a lot of things about Lorne Michaels in your lifetime, but no one ever tells you how fast he is at running.]
LORNE: Sabrina, wait. You’re the funniest person I’ve ever seen. Welcome to Saturday Night Live, or as it it will now be called, SABRINA Night Live!
[Everyone cheers, they all lift me up into the air, everyone laughs, bullying is made illegal, a cure for cancer is found, the Jonas Brothers release another album, world peace is achieved, and everyone lives happily ever after.]
I wake up.
INT. MY ROOM- NIGHT
[I jolt up and look around, everything is back to normal. My husband Zac Efron (28, tastefully topless) turns to comfort me.]
ZAC: Babe, you okay?
ME: Yeah, I just had that dream again, I’ll be fine.
ZAC: Glad to hear it. Now you better get some sleep, you’re performing for the Queen of England tomorrow!
ME: Ah yes, how could I forget dear Kate Middleton.
[I set my alarm for 8 AM and groan.]
ZAC: Hey, they never said the life of the Queen’s Jester would be easy.
ME: You’re right. They didn’t.
ZAC: I love you.
ME: Settle down, Zac.
The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!