I have kind of a weird question for you all. No easy way to ask this, but here goes. Have any of your children ever drunk Windex? My son Jake had a little incident last week. He’s seven, which admittedly is a bit old to be getting into the harsh chemical cleaners below the sink, but that’s Jake for you. He’s fine. For those of you who have gone through something like this, did you notice any lasting personality changes? Specifically… second sight? Clairvoyance? The ability to see things before they occur? My son is a psychic now, is what I’m trying to say.
Walking in on Jake enthusiastically pounding down window cleaner was a disturbing thing to witness, but it really took a turn when he wiped his mouth and said, “Grandmere is going to expire tonight and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop it so don’t even try.” I knew something was wrong because Jake has never called his grandmother “Grandmere” before and his pupils have never completely engulfed the rest of his eyes. After I spent a reasonable amount of time looking at my son in horror, I drove him to the hospital. Imagine my surprise when that night, my mother-in-law passed away in a completely unavoidable freak accident we definitely couldn’t have prevented in any way. And if you must know, she did leave us a generous sum of money.
Coincidence? No. The other day in the car, Jake’s eyes did that new thing where they turn all black, and he emitted a high pitch shrieking noise without opening his mouth. The weird screaming noise hurt my ears and made my body feel strangely hot. Without warning, he grabbed the steering wheel in a stunning display of his wingspan (maybe he’ll play basketball when he’s older?), and jerked the car sharply to the right just as another car careened into our lane. Had it not been for Jake, the brand new BMW I purchased after my mother in law’s extremely untimely death would have been completely totaled. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he saved our lives and the beautiful body of my new Beemer, but the whole thing is a little worrisome, right? Jake being able to foretell death is both a comfort and a curse and I can’t tell if I like it or not. I’ve had to stop our volunteering sessions at the retirement home because he maintains eye contact with specific residents and then makes gestures like he’s slitting their throats. Truthfully, I’m not sure if that’s related to his newfound clairvoyance or if he’s just being a little shit.
If anyone’s been through any of this, please reach out. I’m extremely worried that drinking a liter of Windex has affected my son’s health and given him second sight. I’m also concerned that my son can’t seem to competently harness his powers in order to play the stock market. He knows an awful lot about cheating death, but cannot for the life of him give solid financial advice. Yesterday he told me I should buy Samsung stock. That’s an incredibly stupid idea and I’m not doing that. If I’m going to have a clairvoyant son, he should at least be bringing in a little extra scratch for his family. My new BMW has inspired within me a deep desire for luxury items, and it’s important that he bankrolls my new lifestyle.
Anyway, I know a PTA meeting isn’t really the best place to bring all of this up, but I thought I’d crowd-source this a little bit, see if anyone has any tips or tricks for dealing with detergent-induced psychic abilities. Thank you for your time, we can now return to discussing the new playground equipment.
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