My True Calling Is Managing This Denny’s: A Message from Pope Benedict XVI
By
May 2, 2016

I get it. Once Cool Pope hit the scene, people rushed to forget about Emperor Palpatine Pope. And that’s fine. Francis is doing God’s work, literally, and his flock loves him for it. It allows me time to be the type of night manager this Secaucus, New Jersey Denny’s needs and deserves. I used to be God’s earthly agent, and now I represent Denny’s franchisee number 2259, Akash Singh of Teaneck, New Jersey.

This is a coming out for me, in a manner of speaking. No, not that kind! I was the head of the church, not some parish priest we hid in Boston. This is the first time I’ve publicly revealed my career transition.

Did I have other options when I retired? Sure. There are plenty of parishes in Berlin that would have loved to add a little star power to their rosters. When you reached the pinnacle of your profession, it’s difficult to accept a smaller role in the same field. When Hova stops making albums he’s not going to start hustling mixtapes in Times Square. That’s why I decided new challenges were in order for me, much like LeBron playing against type in Trainwreck.

Akash was skeptical when I applied for the position, but he had me in to interview despite my lack of restaurant experience. When he asked whether I thought the fact I hadn’t served people would be a hindrance, I replied, “Now hold on a second! I served up the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ to plenty of patrons, and I can point to 1.25 billion satisfied Roman Catholic customers. Those are McDonald’s level numbers.” He found the food service analogies clever, and I was hired on the spot (with a 12 week probationary period, of course. Akash didn’t get where he is today by employing every Tom, Dick, and Pope Harry off the street with no strings attached).

In my last gig I was called upon to pray over the sick and provide hope to the hopeless, so you better believe I can split a check six ways for that group of Seniors who stopped in following the After-Prom party. While it’s policy to automatically add an 18% gratuity to parties of six or more, I can sense generous kindred spirits and am assured that you will do unto your waitress Melanie as you would have her do unto you.  

Who says just because you hang up the vestments and throw on an apron you have to stop performing miracles? I mean, have you tried our bourbon bacon burger? You’d swear the secret ingredient is manna. And at our prices, $20 could feed the entire wedding party at Cana.

If you thought Jesus reviving Lazarus was impressive, you should see what we can do with some freezer burned chicken tenders. You’ll swear that chicken was part of a sacrifice mere moments before it hit the deep fryer, followed by your table. 

We’re not talking Old Testament miracles either, baby. In fact, I defy you to find a dish that doesn’t combine milk plates and meats. This even applies to salads and Diet Coke.   

Today I’m unveiled, like Joseph’s revelation to his brothers in Genesis, but it’s not as if people didn’t have their suspicions. I admit that sometimes I like to have a little fun with them. Benedict is a man who has long had a reputation as light hearted and a bit of a jokester. For instance, whenever there’s a rush I’ll lend a hand and buss some tables. If a see a plate of unfinished Eggs Benedict, I’ll stage whisper “I guess they didn’t like the Eggs Me.” And then I’ll give a neighboring table a wink.  

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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