It has always been my dream to win an Academy Award and I was quite certain that this was going to be my year. I had finally produced my first screenplay, and after spending the remainder of my savings sending DVDs to all the Academy voters I was sure that I was going to be a write in winner for this year’s “Best Original Screenplay” award. However, due to some oversight, I did not win any awards at last night’s ceremony, and thus did not get to deliver the acceptance speech I had worked tirelessly preparing. Therefore, I have decided to publish my unused Oscar speech for your reading pleasure below.
Oh wow. I can’t believe it. I won! Man, this was totally unexpected. Honestly, I didn’t even write a speech! I mean wow! I have so many people to thank! I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through all of you before the orchestra cuts me off. Anyway, the first person I’d like to thank is my ex-fiancé Simone. Leaving me gave me all the motivation I needed to buckle down and show you what a huge bitch you were being. I bet you sure regret dumping me now, don’t you Simone? Could have been married to an Academy Award winner but instead your married to a stupid dentist. I win! But don’t worry Simone–I don’t hold a grudge. Now that I have this Oscar to keep me company I never even think about you anymore.
Next, I’d like to thank my 3rd grade English teacher Mrs. Saperstine. Didn’t think you’d see me on TV accepting an Oscar for best original screenplay after you told me I “wouldn’t amount to anything,” did you? Let me ask you a question: how do those words taste now? By the way, don’t try to find me to apologize. I barely even remember who you are.
To my father, still think I made a mistake not going to law school? Yeah, me either. Maybe if you were a bit more supportive and lent me a little more money so I could finish my screenplay instead of telling me to “go get a job,” you would get to enjoy a taste of the sweet Oscar money that’s about to roll in. Hope you like working into your seventies, Dad.
(At this point I imagine the orchestra would begin cutting me off, forcing me to hurry my speech along.)
Finally I’d like to thank the one person I couldn’t have been done this without, myself. Because let’s get real, I did this shit in spite of all you motherfuckers that told me I was “delusional,” or “wasting my life” or said that “screenplays need to be longer than twenty-five pages.” There are no rules to writing a screenplay! Remember that, kids, and someday you could be up here accepting an Oscar just like me.
(Drop the mic and peace the stage)
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!