Dear NASA,

Congratulations on a near flawless safety inspection. Between doubling the amount of velcro in your rocket’s baby seats and removing half(!) the blades from your shuttle’s knifeatoriums, you truly have made interstellar travel safer for space-chef and childstronaut alike. Honestly, there is only one request I have of your agency:

Please stop putting the “Lunch” button directly next to the “Launch” button.

In the past decades, NASA has documented over 2,225 accidental vehicle ignitions as “lunch/launch related mishap.” So, so many dead crews – and all they wanted was lunch! Moving these two critical buttons to different consoles would save so many lives it would be well worth the $2.4 billion dollars in button-moving costs.

It would also save hundreds in mis-delivered lunches. Too often has a crew counted down, “3… 2… 1… ignition!!” only to be interrupted by a smiling space-chef who says, “Hey, who’s-ah hungry for-ah spaghetti??”

So much pasta wasted. So many space-chefs embarrassed. Also, then the rocket does launch, and the chef’s not strapped in, and he’s impaled by knives.

Yes, I understand we’ve now halved this risk!! But let’s eliminate it altogether.

I also see no reason for these buttons to have such confusing symbols. For example, your “Lunch” button has an icon of a rocket taking off. An engineer explained this meant it was “time to send your taste buds into orbit!” Your “Launch” button, however, has an icon of two sexy ladies kissing. The same engineer explained, “I like drawing that.”

You can see how this is confusing, right? Just move the “Lunch” icon to the “Launch” button and the “Launch” icon to the “Pornography” button, which currently has an icon of a sandwich because, to quote your engineer, “Pleasures of the flesh give me quite the appetite.”

Also, you should fire that engineer. He’s not a safety hazard, he’s just creepy. He friended my fiancé on Facebook without having met her. He “likes” everything she posts. It’s weird.

So, in conclusion, please rename your “Lunch” button “Fuel Control.” After all, lunch is the fuel of the spaceman! And just to make sure, rename your “Launch” button “Auto-destruct.” This will confuse commie spies. In fact, just mark all the buttons “Auto-destruct.” Damn commies. We’ll show them!!!

Kal Blevins
Federal Workplace Safety Inspector, OSHA



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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