I was recently involved in a near death experience. I won’t bore you with the specific details, but, as a pedestrian, I was nearly hit by a delivery truck. In that instant just before the truck missed me… well, it’s true what they say, my life flashed right before my eyes.
My earliest memory came to me first–my fifth birthday party. What a lovely memory. Then other milestones… first day of school, a little league home run, a first kiss, so on and so forth. It was an “autobiography in images,” so to speak.
What I did not expect was that I would laugh so hard, for there was also a hilarious blooper reel at the end of my “autobiography in images.” Rake to my groin when I was seven and helping my papa rake the leaves. Then, amusement park turn style to the groin… yes, many groin shots. As a boy, I wondered what was God’s plan with making me take it to the groin so many times, but now, I “got it.” It was to make my last moments on Earth truly enjoyable.
And, it wasn’t all groin shots. It also contained trips, falls, bad sports plays, railing mishaps, and, of course, skateboards. Man, I was such a klutz! My almost death had become a veritable episode of Tosh.0.
At this point in the flashback, I was excited by the creative vision God had for my life flash, but, given the world we live in, my excitement was quickly ruined by crass commercialism, because, at the end of the blooper reel, a graphic appeared that read, “Your Life’s Bloopers and Gags Were Brought to You By Mountain Dew Code Red.” It was accompanied by your typical advertising pitch-man voiceover.
This meant one thing: God had sold the rights to my personal blooper reel to Mountain Dew. I don’t even drink Mountain Dew! It was disappointing to say the least.
When I die and go to Heaven for real, this will be the first thing I ask God about.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!