A zombie walks into the school lunchroom. In 2:06 minutes the roaches and maggots have consumed 98.4% of the decayed flesh; the rest is removed by a combination of ants and a mop.
An alien spacecraft arrives. A robot scoops a soil sample, performs a spectroscopic analysis, and just after sending a report back is smashed by drunks on their way home from a sports bar in Philadelphia on a Friday night. The soil analysis takes 300,210 years to reach the planet of origin. By that point the original civilization is dead and the new inhabitants think the message is a threat and plan an attack. When they arrive 600,420 years after the original landing, the sports bar is closed.
Doctor Who Meets George Washington
This cannot happen.
Terminator: 5th Try
This cannot happen. And no one wants to see it.
Star Trek: Beyond Into Through Where No One Has Gone Recently
Based on the tribble episode but no scientifically problematic artificial gravity. Ninety minutes of floating hairballs.
Star Wars: Forced
The first science-based “Star Wars”, taking out all the fantasy elements such as light sabers, the Force, and leaving the doors open in space. Starring no one going anywhere in their career.
The Amazing Spiderman
The series reboots again, this time finally with no hyphen between “Spider” and “Man”. When Neal DeGrasse Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider he uses the money from the resulting lawsuit to fund a university science laboratory where they only hire unstable scientists who do not know the first thing about basic laboratory safety and spend the movie experimenting on themselves and letting test spiders escape. J. Jonah Jameson sends a reporter to find out why they’re using spiders for test subjects in the first place, as they are developing flexible phone screens to wrap around Starbucks cups. This Spiderman’s super powers include super strength, the ability to see through white sunglasses, and a “Spidey Sense” that alerts him to imminent danger unless it involves girls, financial planning, or screening potential supervillain lab personnel.
Starring Neil deGrasse Tyson as Neal DeGrasse Parker. Neil deGrasse Tyson loves Spider-Man.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Since logically this steampunk submarine would be too heavy to float, the film is an exploration of the human spirit as the crew and passengers of the Nautilus spend their final hour on the ocean floor before pressure cracks the hull and they suffocate or drown 20,000 leagues under the sea. Any survivors are eaten by a giant squid.
There are no survivors.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!