The weather

An inescapable classic! Everyone has to have thoughts on the weather, whether they like it or not. This topic is good for up to 5 minutes, or until someone brings up climate change. If you find yourself backed into an “it’s always this warm in November” corner, try switching to…

Grandma’s health

Another common interest to explore! Everyone loves Grandma, or at least wants to appear like they do. On a holiday like Thanksgiving, the desire to overcompensate for how little you talk to your family during the rest of year is at record highs. Get all the cousins involved with this one for a conversation that is good for up to 20 minutes, or until someone brings up the Affordable Care Act. If you wind up in a “but my premiums went up” argument, change the subject to…

Black Friday sales

Who doesn’t love a good deal? Black Friday is a rich topic for Thanksgiving chit chat. “Where are you going tomorrow?” “I heard Target is selling Christmas trees for a handshake and a penny!” This one is good for up to 8 minutes, or until someone brings up tax breaks for the wealthy. If it comes to that, don’t worry, you can easily transition to…


If you have a job, try zoning out while a relative is patronizing about it for awhile. If you don’t have a job, the same applies. Unsolicited career advice can last up to 1 hour if you play your cards right. When and if things get into “they’re taking our jobs” territory, for the love of god change the subject to…

How cute the dog is

There’s only one side in the “how cute the dog is” debate and that is “very.” Looking at recent  pictures of the dog on your phone is a great way to feel like you are talking and connecting without really doing so. If you run out of pictures, pull Mom over and say, “tell the story about that time,” for a good 2 hours worth of meaningless conversation. If for some reason one of your dumbass relatives brings up presidential dogs, just start talking about….

How full of food your mouth is

Throw a turkey leg in there, say, “What? Sorry, I’m blarghhgiahgilgh” and avoid eye contact. Follow that up with a never-ending series of “can you pass that” gestures in order to keep your mouth constantly full. Occasionally mutter “mmmmmmm” and give various relatives the thumbs up. If you run out of food, or begin to feel physically ill, start talking about…

What airline you are taking to fly back

Just say “American” and hope for the best.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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