Smokey and Patches snuggle up like best friends. Smokey purrs and kneads Patches’s back. Patches licks Smokey’s face with his great big puppy tongue. Upon further inspection, however, we see that Smokey and Patches do not enjoy Aristotle’s perfect friendship of good men alike in virtue; rather, they base their love on pleasure and utility. They seek heat and bodily contact, nothing more, and their bond soon dissolves over a coveted ping pong ball. Such occurrences typify our relationships. Most of us never experience true union in which we wish for each other good qua good and instead live solitary lives peopled with superficial acquaintances who forget us soon after we die.
Princess Whiskerton turns her camera on those who objectify her. YOU jump in the box, human. YOU.
Tiger’s owner puts him in a pool. At first Tiger yowls and clambers out. Time lapse photography shows him learning to swim. Soon he loves the water, swimming around as if he were part fish. More time elapses, until millions of years into the future mer-cats become the dominant species on Earth, almost depleting the oceans of fish, but soon they learn to farm them sustainably on fish ranches, and little mer-cat towns spring up, with mer-cat saloons and mer-cathouses. Families tune in each week to watch Mer-Cat Manor, broadcast via brainwave, and see which mer-cat gets voted out of the module.
Ginger Snap meows in this really weird way, and when you try to put your finger on what makes it so weird you realize the sound is actually your mother screaming in a dream, only no, it’s your life flashing before your eyes as a panther eats your feet, except it’s not, it’s a dubstep song that makes you feel old and anxious.
Mr. Meowpers rides a robot vacuum cleaner all over the kitchen, because Mr. Meowpers suffers from OCD, and in order to clean the floor, and his soul, he must circle the room exactly forty-seven times.
A gray cat stalks a parakeet in a cage. The parakeet chirps at the cat, taunting it. The cat meows and paws at the latch, finally working the cage door open and reaching inside. The parakeet shrieks. The screen fades to black. No credits, no explanation. You try telling yourself that the parakeet survived, that the filmmaker must have stopped to save it, but you can’t know for sure. The next day you look for the video, but it’s been taken down. You wonder if anyone you know saw it, but you feel uncomfortable asking. You wonder if you should report it, but to whom? The police? The Audubon Society? For the rest of your life, you feel a mixture of shame and dread whenever you remember it. Shame and dread—but also, you must confess, titillation. A part of you wants to see it again, while another part hopes no higher power exists that can see into your twisted heart.
Puff eats lasagna, just like Garfield. Then Puff vomits everywhere, because many lasagna ingredients are toxic for cats. With subtitle: “I hate Mondays!”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!