New Year’s Resolutions I’ve Already Given Up On
By
January 8, 2014

Floss regularly

Shower regularly

Get into fewer fights at the gym (verbal and physical)

Create a new type of fusion cuisine

Create a new type of cold fusion cuisine

Stop satisfying my lover(s) so hard

Acknowledge all my illegitimate children

File taxes

Learn a new language and use it to verbally abuse the staff at my cold fusion restaurant

Grow a late-period-John-Lennon beard

Grow a Tom-Hanks-in-Castaway beard

Grow a pair

Stop saying, “Can’t stop, won’t stop.”

Don’t shout during movies

Don’t shout during eulogies

Attend all family funerals

Find my father’s killer

Listen to that voicemail my father left me on the night of his death (seriously, who leaves voicemails anymore?!)

Work through the entire Eugene Levy filmography

Be the sexier, healthier, smarter me that the world deserves

Never miss a writing submission deadline




The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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