Hammurabi, approximately 1754 BC: “Do you have a dry, irritated eye for a dry, irritated eye? Change that to just an eye for an eye.  Visine… get the red out.”  

Socrates, 400’s BC: “The unexamined life is not worth living. Live Mas at Taco Bell.  [bell sound].”
Patrick Henry, 1775: (singing) “Gimme a liberty or gimme a death. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.”

General Robert E. Lee, 1861: “I cannot turn my back on Virginia, and neither should you. Visit virginia.org for more information about your next trip to this great state, where Virginia is for lovers.”

Neil Armstrong, 1969: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. I meant ‘one small step for a human, one giant leap for humankind.’ Sexism and prejudice affects us all. Visit UnderstandingPrejudice.org for more about what you can do to combat it.”

Nelson Mandela, 1994: “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. And, as Socrates said, ‘The unexamined life is not worth living. Live Mas at Taco Bell. [bell sound].’”

President Papa John, 2025: “Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa John’s.”


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!