Notes From Parents Regarding Their Children’s Shortcomings
By
June 6, 2017

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Dear Ms. Ramona,

It has come to our attention that Tony has recently been instructed not to color outside the lines during coloring time. We would like to politely request that you refrain from enforcing this stipulation on our son. As you may have recently read, coloring outside of the lines during developmental years has been linked with increased leadership qualities in adults. So please stop your grossly misguided attempts at hindering our child’s growth and future earning potential. We hope this matter can be considered closed. Thank you.


Dear Mr. Lockhart,

Harper’s proclivity for keeping a messy desk has actually been proven to be a sign of great intellect and creativity. By forcing our child to clean out her desk at the end of every day you demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of the current modalities in human and child psychology. We find your actions very disrespectful. Harper is not only never to be disciplined for keeping a messy desk she is also to be actively encouraged to create as messy an environment as possible. We will be inspecting her desk personally during Parent Teacher Conferences and we expect it to be quite messy. We will be incredibly upset if the inside of her desk doesn’t feel wet to the touch. If we hear more of this issue we will be consulting a lawyer. Thank you for your understanding.


Dear Ms. Martina,

We are aware that Brandon often screams obscenities indiscriminately at blooming flowers. However, we ask that instead of scolding him for this behavior and keeping him away from the flowers, you allow him 5 minutes of uninterrupted, indiscriminate yelling each day. This behavior is currently undergoing clinical research to examine its theorietical link with reduced rates of Thyroid disease, a disease that sadly, runs in and has ravished our family. Thank you for your cooperation.

Dear Dr. Sapperin,

It has recently been reported by The Guardian (an unbiased and well-respected European news source) that biting ones toe nails as a child is correlated with an increased opportunity at landing a job in the field of pharmaceutical research. We would appreciate if you could covertly encourage Emma to bite her toe nails whenever possible. We have been dipping her feet in chocolate while at home, however she simply licks the chocolate off of her toes but doesn’t really bite the nails per se. Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Mr Gonzalez,

We understand that since Matthew started his investment banking position with your firm you have repeatedly pointed out that he “looks tired” and should “lay off the long nights.” But in a study recently released by the Journal Americana looking tired has been linked as a character trait in highly good boys of upstanding moral character. So please refrain from mentioning anything to Matthew about this in the future. Your ignorance is showing.

 
 
 

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