Notice from the Mayor’s Office
By
August 15, 2014

Dear citizens,

We can all recognize that the job market is not easy for fresh college graduates these days. Even with degrees, these young, motivated people are finding it extremely difficult to find work once they enter the real world. It doesn’t help that many of these kids are graduating with “completely useless” majors that “have no real world application in any way that can make them money,” as some older people have been heard angrily muttering outside the corner store. Fixing this system may be a long and arduous process on a national scale, but we thought that perhaps this humble city could help our own young with a new program designed to find a place for their degrees in real world professions. As I am sure you have noticed, there have been some issues with the program that have affected us all. Everything did not go exactly as planned, and we here at city hall would like to explain exactly what’s been going on.

Our attempt to employ modern interpretive dance students as traffic cops was a disaster. We see now in hindsight, that by virtue of their “craft,” they are actively opposed to doing motions that we have been predetermined for them. When they were supposed to signal go and stop, they added their own flourishes of leap, leg sweep, collapse in graceful faux agony, lift, etc. We did not expect it to lead to five deaths and seven injuries within the first hour. While we can never replace what these families have lost, some of the dancers have offered to perform a special tribute at the funerals.

Preschool has been proven to give kids an important start to their educational journey. “Who could be better to work with children than these young, thoughtful, recent graduates?” we thought. We apologize for thinking. The philosophy majors we assigned to work in local preschools to help mold and encourage these unformed, sponge-like baby minds have instead chosen to imbue them with a sense of distrust in reality, disbelief of free will, and constant sense of existential dread and crisis from which they will never escape. They’re writing paradoxes and manifestos all over the walls in crayon; they’re refusing to nap because “How do we know we’re the same person when we wake up;” they won’t build with blocks because they can’t see why anything truly matters if it will just be destroyed. They don’t even know how to tell time yet and already they think it’s a meaningless construct. The parents are now demanding the city pay for therapy to undo this.

We brought on young, budding poets who just graduated to write press releases for minor government departments. We thought they could write them somewhat elegantly, with good grammar, and proper English. Unfortunately, everything they wrote was completely unintelligible. I understand that a drop of rain water may have its own journey which somehow relates back to your own childhood and the civil war, but we need people to know that their water is going to be shut off from 12 to 3pm on Tuesday for pipe maintenance.

We put art history majors to work cleaning up graffiti. None of the graffiti was cleaned up. In fact, they refused on principle. Instead, they spent their time cataloging every piece of vandalism they came across. While we can sympathize with the fact that some people have begun to consider certain pieces of graffiti “art,” we cannot pay them for their detailed records, which include “Dick4U was here” and “Fuck u Tiffani.”

We saw pairing graduates of Photography with the police as a mutually beneficial arrangement. The students could use their technical skills, while the police would have sharp, well-shot pictures of crime scenes to refer to in their investigations. Artfully shot pictures of nothing but blood spots on the sidewalk and the horrified faces of people walking were not helpful. In fact, several photographers’ insertion of objects such as black roses, into the scene to make a statement with the body, resulted in the key evidence in several murder cases being declared too tampered with to even use in the investigation. These children have freed killers for the sake of their, let’s be honest, somewhat cliché art projects.

This may all sound bleak and discouraging, I know. But I can tell you that we did have one success. The city hired Latin students to summon the ancient snake gods via a complex series of chants and rituals. We thought that they would be a fun addition to our upcoming parade. Those snake gods showed up right on time, as requested. Unfortunately, now our city is being plagued by the wrath of vengeful ancient snake gods risen from their centuries long forced slumber. The upside is that we no longer have time to worry about the professional and economic futures of our youths. Die valiantly and with bravery at the non-existent hands of our new ancient snake overlords, my townspeople.

Best Regards,
Your Mayor

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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