NSA University Alumni News
By
August 21, 2014

Hey alums! Our quarterly surveys report that you’d like to see more news about your old classmates and friends—and now, thanks to innovative technologies and expanding surveillance programs, you’ll find many more updates in every issue of the Alumni News. Enjoy!

UNDERGRADUATE PROGRAM

Joseph ASHER (Earth Studies, ‘69) is retired and “living the good life” in Taos with his wife Jeanne and their two daughters. Joseph “loves to travel” and has visited Mexico five times in the last thirty-seven months, but border crossing records and cell phone transcript reviews have turned up nothing.

Selma BRINKMAN (Legal Studies, ‘87) closed her Denver law practice to join an international pharmaceutical company as assistant General Counsel, which ought to improve her current FICO score of 470. Selma’s recent Google searches include “drug test detox fast,” “ecstasy stay in system” and “driving barefoot illegal.”

Wilma CLARENDON Mitchell (Engineering, ‘85) has returned to NYC after raising her son Michael in the Pacific Northwest. Wilma reports she moved because she “missed the seasons,” but the off-market sale of her home and a recent spike in decongestant purchases suggest otherwise.

Clarence “Billy” ELKINS (undeclared, ‘72-‘74) placed nine calls to a New Jersey cell phone number between 10:15 p.m., July 16th and 3:53 a.m., July 20th.

Andrea “Andy” FEYNMAN (Legal Studies, ’07) is a junior attorney at a large Manhattan law firm. Her debut novel Autumn Light, which was written during work hours billed to unsuspecting corporate clients, will be published in February.

Evelyn FLEMING (Journalism, ‘79) writes that she is “single again and enjoying life” after a move to “an undisclosed location.”

Victoria JOHNSTONE (Psychology, ‘98) reports that she is not the Victoria JOHNSTONE jailed in Atlanta for a string of armed robberies (Felony Assault, ‘11).

Alex MAYER (Legal Studies, ‘75) worked retail jobs under the names Bob RAYMOND, Bob HALEY and Eric SMITH from ‘75 through ‘98 before moving to Montana to co-found the Armed Patriot Militia. “Hi to all my old classmates and friends!” says Alex (Bob/Eric).

William “Bill” NELSON (Drama, ‘80) has been sleeping on the couch belonging to Connie PETERSEN (Earth Sciences, ‘82) since his split with Evelyn FLEMING (Journalism, ‘79). Bill would like to be added to your LinkedIn network.

Wilton “Wil” RALSTON (Creative Writing, ‘82) is “returning to the dating scene” after raising his two daughters in the Phoenix area. An active Match.com profile describes Wil as “Athletic,” but convenience store security camera images clearly identify him as “More to Love.”

Joseph STILES (Life Sciences, ‘80) married his longtime partner Jennifer over last year’s Thanksgiving weekend. In attendance were Ryan FILBERT (Environmental Studies, ‘78, misdemeanor possession ‘92), Carmen PHILPOTT (Legal Studies, ‘78, DUI, ‘84) and Darvyn SELIGMAN (Film Production, ‘82, Chapter 7 bankruptcy, ‘06).

Kirk WILSON sold his family’s landscaping business and is now “shopping for a small yacht.” This spring Kirk will realize his lifelong dream of becoming a full-time sailor, world traveler, and international smuggling Person of Interest.

Rebecca WELMAN (Environmental Studies, ‘97) indiscriminately mixes trash with her recycling.

Susan YARDLEY (Mathematics, ‘00) drinks a lot, according to Facebook.

Cheryl ZASLOVE Kincaid (Political Sciences, ‘92) has returned to the Independent Booksellers’ best seller list with her eighth book, You Knew I Was Right, an “activist memoir” exposing covert government actions against political advocacy groups in several countries. Experimental drone surveillance footage confirms that Cheryl was, in fact, right.

GRADUATE STUDIES

Lawrence ABEL (International Relations, ‘82) writes “Paris is beautiful” while awaiting a hearing to reinstate his visa.

Victor WATKINS (Linguistics, ‘97) has self-published his third novel, Satisfaction Guaranteed, now available for purchase online. Amazon reviews rate the thriller at three and a half stars, while credit reviews confirm that selling 3500 copies would allow Victor to keep his car.

IN MEMORIAM

Michael O’FLAHERTY (Chemistry, ‘85) died unexpectedly on January 23, 2012 while on vacation in Columbia, according to his legal representative. An ambitious entrepreneur, Michael was working as an importer and real estate developer at the time of his death. Classmates, friends, and creditors of the above-named decedent are advised that claims and inquiries regarding business and gambling debts, alimony judgments, and pending court cases were due in July.

Submit your news updates through our university alumni message board, or simply call a friend on a cell phone and speak clearly. Thanks and keep in touch!

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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