NYC Tour
February 25, 2013

Welcome, all, to Al & Dave’s New York City Bus Tour. I’m Chuck Bennett, your guide for this romp. In fact, you guys are my last tour. Now, as we pull away from the bus terminal the first thing we need to do is remind you to keep your hands and feet inside the bus and to not feed any of the homeless that approach the bus.

To your right is the world famous Empire State Building. It was once the tallest building in the world until cutbacks during the 1970s forced it to downgrade to 102 floors.

Now, here’s a treat, we’re passing by the apartment of my shift supervisor. Funny story: yesterday, after an incident with a Japanese tourist, he put me on report and told the tour supervisor about it. Imagine that. That’s his window, fourth floor up, three over.

We’re now approaching Central Park, the city’s backyard. Here you can row, play ball, relax, or even ride a carriage drawn by some of our renowned New York City rats.

Oh, that thump? That was us hitting one of New York’s famous jaywalkers. They’re all over the place!

In fact, we’re coming up to the Metropolitan School of Jaywalking, where students are trained in the art of walking across a typical New York street. In New York jaywalking isn’t a traffic violation, it’s a skill.

Pigeons! Look! Pigeons!

Originally, New York was settled by the Dutch in 1620. Years later, they sold it to the English for a nice profit and moved to Lancaster, PA, where they became the Pennsylvania Dutch.

New York is a great biking town. Note all the bike lanes on our busy, busy streets. Often, New Yorkers like to watch the many biker/cabbie death matches as they battle for street dominance.

To your left is the apartment building and home to Herb, the tour supervisor. He’s the guy who hired me and, ironically, the guy who fired me and told me today was my last day. You’ll notice they don’t have a doorman. Only in New York, you know?

Coming up is the United Nations building where people come from around the world to park their cars illegally for free.

We’re now about to get a great view of the New York Harbor, still one of the busiest ports in the world. There you see the famous Staten Island Ferry crossing the bay. The ferry doesn’t actually go anywhere. It leaves Manhattan, then just sails around a bit and comes back since Staten Island was given to China to cover some bad debts around five years ago.

No, I’m sorry, the restroom is closed at the moment as I have my boss, er, rather my ex-boss, tied and gagged in there. So that noise you hear isn’t the muffler on the bus. Lookie! The Chrysler Building!

Oh, over there is Fraunces Tavern, one of the oldest structures still standing in Manhattan. It’s the site where, at the close of the Revolutionary War, George Washington made his famous farewell to the troops saying, “Farewell, troops.”

The majestic Hudson River runs along the west side of Manhattan Island. It became famous as a dumping ground for mobsters wearing “cement shoes” during the 1930s. In fact, I’m asking the driver to pull over as I demonstrate that with this randomly selected gunnysack filled with machine parts. Don’t mind the muffled yelps. Oh, look, here come members of New York’s Finest, our police department. Ah, yes. So now, our tour will continue as we get to see the inside of Riker’s Island prison…

The end