Today’s Obituaries
By and
June 27, 2013

SPOILER ALERT: This post contains spoilers for Serenity and King of the Hill.

The following post is made up of submissions from our May 2013 monthly writing prompt, Obituaries for Fictional Characters.

Hoban “Wash” Washburne Pilot of Firefly-class trans-ship Serenity By Justin Williams

Renowned pilot Hoban Washburne was pronounced dead in what is now being called “The Miranda Incident.” Sources say Washburne–known to his friends simply as “Wash”–died as a result of cardiac arrest triggered by an enormous spike of iron in his blood. (Retraction: It has since been shown that Washburne died as a result of an enormous iron spike through his chest, resulting in loss of blood.)

One of few to escape the poverty and pollution-stricken planet Portulous, also known as “The Detroit of the Alliance,” Wash attended flight school in the Capital City on Bellerophon. His ingenuity and natural ability accelerated him to the head of his class, propelling him into the Career Officers program. Unfortunately for the Alliance, he was dismissed from the program. Details are unclear as to the circumstances, but the incident is known to have involved a practical joke, three luxury line Cruisers, and several million Platinum Credits in damage.

Not much is known about his activities during the War for Unification. Reports confirm he was named Champion Goose Juggler on the backwater rim world Paquin, but not much else is known before the recent battle involving an Alliance armada and an army of Reavers. A civilian trans-ship, call sign Serenity, was involved in the confrontation to an unknown capacity. Wash was piloting the Firefly-class vessel at the time. Alliance records show his ship was in free fall, recovered, and then daringly brought to a landing. Wash was listed as the only casualty on board, meaning he saved his whole crew. This includes his wife, a former Brown Coat who refused to be named. The widow said his family would remember him, including his soon-to-be-born daughter. The Captain of the vessel, who also asked not to be identified, had a cryptic message. As he fiddled with a small plastic stegosaurus toy he said, “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.” Glassy-eyed but with a smile, the Captain explained, “Sorry, inside joke.”

 

Rusty Shackleford By Dale Gribble Rusty Shackleford (special thanks to Paige Weldon)

Rusty Shackleford passed away this Saturday, February 3, 1953 in Arlen, Texas at the age of 9.

It is unclear how Rusty died exactly, but we suspect the government is involved.

Rusty is survived by his weird dad and hot older sister, who mysteriously disappeared this week as well.

It was Rusty’s last wish that one of his classmates take his name so that he may live on, ordering pizzas and signing important legal documents as “Rusty Shackleford” in an attempt to cause unrest in the corrupt government that took him out.

To our knowledge, no service is being held.

Edit: It has come to our attention that Rusty Shackleford may, in fact, be “alive.” A man claiming to be Rusty has stated that Rusty “did not die,” but rather “moved away in the third grade” and would like to “get a small business loan” but can’t until I “sign this paperwork.” I am 99% certain this man is a ghost and advise that all Arlenites take necessary precautions.

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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