Thank you for calling. We’re sorry to inform you that all of our one worker(s) are currently occupied with more important, more interesting, and more attractive customers. Please listen closely and choose from the following options:

Press 1 to hear a long story about two Inuit stuck in a snowstorm debating the existence of God.

Press 2 for an oral history of the pocket.

Press 3 if your coworker is walking by and you feel as if a single button push is enough to look productive as you wait.

Press 4 if that first button push didn’t work and you need one more to seal the deal.

Press 5 for a jaunty sailor’s tune played at a random volume.

Press 6 if you’d like us to put you on with our office dog, Rufus, who will listen to whatever problems you have and never judge you for them.

Press 7 if you’d like to talk to a human.

Press 7 Again if we did not connect you to a human.

Press 7 Harder This Time to listen intensely as we continue to ignore your plea.

Press 8 if you feel slighted for what we did when you pressed seven.

Press 9 to speak with a counselor who can help you deal with our betrayal of your trust, but who cannot answer your work related questions.

Press 0 just to see if that’s even an option.  

Press 0 And Hold It Down if you’ve got the grit to keep going.

Press The Star Key to hear a list of restaurants you could’ve gone to if you didn’t have to spend your lunch break on hold.

Press The Pound Sign for a list of reasons why we’ve been taking so long to get to your call, including “rampant negligence,” “employee too wet to answer phone,” and “psychological experiment.”

Press 1 Again to replay the story, but really listen to the counter points made against the Inuit who believes in a higher power.

Press 2 Again to erupt in anger and ignorance at the pocket’s humble beginnings.

Press 1 And 2 At The Same Time for an Inuit man to describe how God’s pockets are full of snow.

Press Every Button At Once to further alienate your coworkers and confirm their suspicions about your anger problem.

Press 6 Again to yell at Rufus like this is his fault.

Press 6 A Third Time to apologize to Rufus. This isn’t his fault, and you’re not usually like this.

Press 5 to try and calm down with a jaunty sailor’s tune.

Press 5 Again to try and calm down with a jaunty sailor’s tune at a lower volume.

Press 0 if you’d like to move on from this and start fresh.

Press 7 if you’d like to talk to a human.

Press 8 to leave a message our employee will address as soon as they return from their lunch break. 



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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