Dear Girl Scouts at Acme,

I’m a good person, seriously. I don’t volunteer or donate a lot but I definitely share charities on my social media often. I respect your work ethic, sitting through the constant beeps of egg cartons and the lullabies of paper bags. You wait as each grocery carriage master passes by, hoping that just one is noble enough to make an impulse buy for your cause. I feel like money is such a cliche object when used to show support which is why I prefer alternatives. Why not accept head nods or smiles? People like me have more smiles than money. This is why I had to make the tough decision of buying five dollars worth of lottery tickets in front of your cookie stand.

Listen, I’m playing the long game here and you will benefit in the end right? Those five lottery tickets could’ve given me a thousand dollars. That means that instead of just buying one box, I could buy maybe five with that thousand. It hurt me to lock eyes with you and dig through my pockets. I could feel the anticipation in your beautiful hearts, waiting for me to pick the thin mints or a box of the coconut cookies which make my tongue a little itchy. I’m sure it didn’t help that I had to switch machines because my five dollar bill would not be accepted at one of them. Seeing the bill come out of the machine each time and be put back in must’ve felt like a stab in the heart, right? I know, but seriously I am a great person. The other people who walked by aren’t any better. They probably didn’t even think about it on their way out. I saw one lady yell at her boyfriend for not opening the broken automatic door for her, all she cared about was herself. There was another kid that put fifty cents in a quarter machine just for a mustache. You can easily grow a mustache but you can’t win a thousand dollars for the price of five.

I’m sure it’s not your fault but your stand would be better away from the exit too. I can email Acme for you and give them some suggestions? If people stop at the exits, then there’s traffic jams and people can bump their cart into someone’s ankle, which really hurts. Sometimes when I want to look casual, I pull the cart from the front and hurt my ankles really bad if I accidentally bump it. Now that I’m thinking about it, your job is so insanely dangerous and I respect you for it. This is probably also why I didn’t give you the money, I knew you had better things to worry about. You have to talk to everyone who passes by and what if someone is crazy and says something like “Is it really appropriate to raise your voice that much inside?” to you? That would kill me honestly and I would never stop thinking about that for years.

I didn’t win anything from the lottery ticket which really blows, I’m so pissed right now. I just actually took a break from writing this and scratched those suckers. I got nothing okay? I could’ve used that money for so much more. I got absolutely nothing and maybe if I wasn’t so worried about you guys seeing me I would’ve picked a better ticket. Who knows right? My thoughts were clouded because I’m such a stupidly nice guy who gets taken advantage of. This is so typical and to make matters worse, I spilled the ticket debris all over my charcoal grey fitted bed sheets. Now I have the pull the whole thing off, shake it out, and ask my neighbor downstairs to help me pull it on because one side is a little smaller. I got the stupid sheets at discount but I thought it was an honest discount not a defect discount, Jesus. You guys don’t care anyway, you just want me to buy those cookies. Well I couldn’t anyway because I bought store brand animal crackers which are less rich and easier to binge eat. I hope you’re happy about this outcome, enjoy your happiness.

Best Regards,



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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