Order Now! Targeted Comfort Containers® For Trying Times
By
March 10, 2017

Feeling anxious?
Afraid of losing Your Shit in these trying times?
We can’t all move to Canada, but you can still have the escape you crave!
Purchase a safe-zone, feel-good, targeted Comfort Container®

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We design unique packages filled with items that soothe the soul, calm the crazy, and psilence the psyche.

The Bath Time Bliss Basket:

“Me-Time” privacy signage in attractive, calligraphic fonts, complete with graphic threats of violence 

Assorted floral-scented, narcotic-infused sedation candles

Organic, edible Luffa hand-mitts

Over-sized, foam, noise-canceling ear muffs to tune out the needs of others, the cries of children, and “breaking news” updates

Detoxing, bovine-enhanced, gluten-free, hallucinogenic Scandinavian tree-bark facial mask

Waterproof erotic romance novels

Snooze-Alert Safety Accoutrements: Nose plug and breathing straw

The Mindful Meditation Therapy Bin:

Bean bag

Toe socks (with Warm-Tech® heat beads)

Terry Cloth “Head Hugger” (with Cool-Tech® chill pebbles)

Tylenol

CD with our award-winning room-tone ZenTracks®Silent StreetsSilent NightSound of Silence, and STFU.

Worry beads

Wine

Tissues

4-Hours of Skype appointments with a certified hypnotist who will make you believe we’ll all be okay.

The Massage-for-One Treasure Chest:

Heavy duty door-lock kit

Wind chimes

Silk monogrammed kimono

Aromatherapy essential oil diffuser, complete with hydroponic herb garden and recipe kit

12 setting, 4 speed, 2hp, whisper-quiet, “muscle massager”

AA Batteries

USDA grade A satin elixir extracted from hypoallergenic, free-fallen, fully-mature Macadamia nuts (NON-GMO)

Laundry detergent to remove massage oil stains from kimono

The Hammock-Heaven Happiness Crate:

Woven hemp, berry-dyed, dry-aged hammock

Hardware and detailed instructions on hammock hanging

Spackle

Phone number for local handyman

Remote control swing-starter and pace-setter

Dramamine

Vomit bags

Anti-Fetal-Position Yoga-Inspired Posture Pack:

Water bottle with auto-release electrolytes

Self-cleaning, sweat-resistant mat

CD with new age music that makes you want to kill a bitch

Adorable, apolitical, palm-sized male or female Yogi-Bot®, programmed to push you to the next level, or to your death

Electric shock behavioral correction kit that detects spinal slumping and undisciplined thought meandering

Muscle relaxant

The Self-Destructive Beach Vacation Beverage Tub:

Culturally-appropriated sombrero

Sunglasses with rose-colored, prism lenses

SPF 2 lotion and lip balm set

Cocktail coconut with mini umbrellas

Bottomless piña coladas

Topless bikinis

Endless STDs

Bong

Bail

Crime scene tape

Condoms and antibiotics

And when you need an escape bigly:

The “All-In” Adult-Size, Fleece-Lined Nurture Coffin:

Sensory deprivation pod in renewably-sourced mahogany, beech, or bamboo veneer

Insulated, super-cozy, down-padded machine-washable liner

Touch pad temperature control

Easy-grip latch lock/handle for panic-free exit

TuneOutZone® Technology: Never-fail cable news signal-blocker (100% Spicer proof)

White noise sound system, playing static, buzzing, indecipherable Icelandic mumbling, and generic screaming

Xanax-dipped pacifier

And finally…

The Fuck-This-Shit Action Tool Box

Contents confidential

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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