Feeling anxious?
Afraid of losing Your Shit in these trying times?
We can’t all move to Canada, but you can still have the escape you crave!
Purchase a safe-zone, feel-good, targeted Comfort Container®


We design unique packages filled with items that soothe the soul, calm the crazy, and psilence the psyche.

The Bath Time Bliss Basket:

“Me-Time” privacy signage in attractive, calligraphic fonts, complete with graphic threats of violence 

Assorted floral-scented, narcotic-infused sedation candles

Organic, edible Luffa hand-mitts

Over-sized, foam, noise-canceling ear muffs to tune out the needs of others, the cries of children, and “breaking news” updates

Detoxing, bovine-enhanced, gluten-free, hallucinogenic Scandinavian tree-bark facial mask

Waterproof erotic romance novels

Snooze-Alert Safety Accoutrements: Nose plug and breathing straw

The Mindful Meditation Therapy Bin:

Bean bag

Toe socks (with Warm-Tech® heat beads)

Terry Cloth “Head Hugger” (with Cool-Tech® chill pebbles)


CD with our award-winning room-tone ZenTracks®Silent StreetsSilent NightSound of Silence, and STFU.

Worry beads



4-Hours of Skype appointments with a certified hypnotist who will make you believe we’ll all be okay.

The Massage-for-One Treasure Chest:

Heavy duty door-lock kit

Wind chimes

Silk monogrammed kimono

Aromatherapy essential oil diffuser, complete with hydroponic herb garden and recipe kit

12 setting, 4 speed, 2hp, whisper-quiet, “muscle massager”

AA Batteries

USDA grade A satin elixir extracted from hypoallergenic, free-fallen, fully-mature Macadamia nuts (NON-GMO)

Laundry detergent to remove massage oil stains from kimono

The Hammock-Heaven Happiness Crate:

Woven hemp, berry-dyed, dry-aged hammock

Hardware and detailed instructions on hammock hanging


Phone number for local handyman

Remote control swing-starter and pace-setter


Vomit bags

Anti-Fetal-Position Yoga-Inspired Posture Pack:

Water bottle with auto-release electrolytes

Self-cleaning, sweat-resistant mat

CD with new age music that makes you want to kill a bitch

Adorable, apolitical, palm-sized male or female Yogi-Bot®, programmed to push you to the next level, or to your death

Electric shock behavioral correction kit that detects spinal slumping and undisciplined thought meandering

Muscle relaxant

The Self-Destructive Beach Vacation Beverage Tub:

Culturally-appropriated sombrero

Sunglasses with rose-colored, prism lenses

SPF 2 lotion and lip balm set

Cocktail coconut with mini umbrellas

Bottomless piña coladas

Topless bikinis

Endless STDs



Crime scene tape

Condoms and antibiotics

And when you need an escape bigly:

The “All-In” Adult-Size, Fleece-Lined Nurture Coffin:

Sensory deprivation pod in renewably-sourced mahogany, beech, or bamboo veneer

Insulated, super-cozy, down-padded machine-washable liner

Touch pad temperature control

Easy-grip latch lock/handle for panic-free exit

TuneOutZone® Technology: Never-fail cable news signal-blocker (100% Spicer proof)

White noise sound system, playing static, buzzing, indecipherable Icelandic mumbling, and generic screaming

Xanax-dipped pacifier

And finally…

The Fuck-This-Shit Action Tool Box

Contents confidential



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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