Page Choices From My Self-Published Pro-Abstinence Choose Your Own Adventure Novel
February 12, 2014

Turn to page 14 if you want to raise your hand and tell your health class that the thought of masturbation makes your heart hurt.
Turn to page 16 if you want to be a Coward.

Turn to page 31 if you want to jump out of the bathroom window and worry about explaining it to Stacey later.
Turn to page 34 if you want to spray cologne on your Unmentionables and let the Bad Thoughts take hold.

Turn to page 47 if you want to give yourself a big hug for being so brave in your fight against The Erections.
Turn to page 49 if you know where hugs lead. 

Turn to page 69 if you want to walk Tamara home from swim practice.
Turn to page 70 if you would never, under any circumstances, turn to page 69.

Turn to page 89 if you crave human touch so badly you are literally always shaking.
Turn to page 91 if you want to bake cookies!!

Turn to page 104 if you want to ask your father to remove the asbestos out of the walls of your Prayer Cupboard.
Turn to page 106 if you want to avoid his Hand.

Turn to page 118 if you want to make non-threatening small talk with Becky about how hard it was for her to transfer schools.
Turn to page 120 if you want to ruin what’s Special between you by asking her to rub your body when it’s nude.

Turn to page 137 if you want to wait outside the prom and hand out your original pamphlet “Cold Showers And You.”
Turn to page 139 if you want to steal the night manager’s skeleton key and use it to burst into Jordan and Tammy’s hotel suite while yelling at them to Stand Down.

Turn to page 157 if you want to ask Stacey to marry you.
Turn to page 158 if you want to maybe travel.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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