The Higgs Weldon
Tristan’s Mom Helen is Running for PTA President
April 19, 2017


Hello, my name is Helen Clankburg and I am speaking to you today to officially declare my candidacy for president of the PTA. I know that Linda usually runs unopposed, but seeing as her son Liam will be graduating from Curbstone Elementary at the end of next year (if he passes his standardized tests this time), I think it would behoove us to install a new president as soon as possible to ease the transition of power upon Liam’s graduation. My son, Tristan, who you all probably remember as the soloist in the last Christmas pageant and winner of the Autumn Carnival Raffle, will not graduate for another 3 years, which will give me plenty of time to embrace this new role. (more…)

Boss Baby: United Airlines CEO
April 18, 2017

“It appears that security dragged a paying customer down the aisle of a boarded plane,” lamented the Boss Baby to his board of directors, oversized head resting in his adorably tiny palms. He called out to his assistant. “Janice, looks like I’m going to have to cancel play time. Again.” 

It had been only three weeks since he was appointed Chief Executive Officer of United Airlines, but Boss Baby couldn’t catch a break even if his mommy had placed it right next to him in the crib. Nobody said being the first ever infant CEO of a major airline would be easy, but the crises kept building up faster and higher than any set of stacking rings approved for newborns.

Initially, the board of United Airlines figured instituting a precocious, talking baby in a little suit as CEO would be good for business. What could go wrong they, thought? Two PR misfires later and business was reeling. Stocks plummeting. Customer confidence sinking. Boss Baby and United were the punch line of nearly every joke on Twitter. Lucky for Boss Baby, he was too young to use social media or read, for that matter. (more…)

Jokes for Children (Not Really) Part 2
April 17, 2017

I’ve been super busy since my last few writings. I know part two of this 10-part series has been highly anticipated, but I’ve been touring all across America. I’ve been making appearances at scholastic book fairs, science fairs, just about anywhere they can take established talent. So, please forgive me. I know how hard it is for people to appeal to children, but not for me! So easy! My jokes are regularly re-told by the dopest kids in school, and the coolest substitutes on campus. There’s an entire school out in the Midwest that has made my work required reading material. I don’t even have to compete. And look, there have been a string of comedians that have “written” books and material intended for children. People like Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfield, and Jeff Foxworthy have all written children’s books and children’s jokes. But they all suck, and so do their books. My stuff reigns supreme over all of them because I am not afraid to give kids what they want. Someone give me a dang Newbery Award. Here is my highly anticipated return to the world of children’s humor.


Why was the gorilla denied a loan from the bank?
They didn’t want any monkey business! And he had terrible credit. (more…)

Adult Basketball
April 14, 2017

1491632158_icon-20-basketball-hoopI wanted to be able to fly, but had to content myself with running the floor. My ankles and knees hurt. I dreamed of having bat-wings and gliding toward the hoop like Harry Potter in Quidditch, dropping the orange sphere through the orange hoop. It was five-on-five in a dismal gym. I had been a great high school athlete, but I was now on the brink of old age.

The guy I guarded was going on 73, didn’t run, and never got back on defense. He trundled like an overweight penguin.

Under the basket lurked a bear-like man. He was 28. Grizzled and stout, he swiped his paws at airmen who attempted to penetrate the paint. Just outside the first perimeter was a giraffe-like man. A few hippos in their early 20s moved through the oasis, hoping to catch the lighter animals by surprise. (more…)

Tristan’s Mom Helen is Running for PTA President
Boss Baby: United Airlines CEO
Jokes for Children (Not Really) Part 2
Adult Basketball
What Your Eye Color Says About You
An Open Letter To The Person Who Tried To Start A Clap At The Rock Concert
Seriously, No Joke, This Is A Message In A Bottle
5 Stories Even Shorter and Better Than Hemingway’s
The Times Sherlock Holmes Ruined Watson’s Relationships
As a 4-Year-Old, I’m Pretty Damn Sick of Hearing You Use the Phrase “As a Mother…”
10 Tips for Eating BBQ Ribs at Work
Diana Prince: Queen of the Amazons, Wonder Woman, Copywriter
I Fell In Love With An Apple Because I Want To Be Cool On The Internet
Have You Tried the Sangria at Hamilton?
My 5 Most Memorable Celebrity Encounters

“Is this spicy?” -my mom re: literally every food she’s ever seen

Allegra Ringo

If we called the last one “Obamacare” we should call this one “Trumpdont”

Gabe Mollica

Watching my boyfriend do the dishes without offering to help is my version of feminism.

Robin Higgins

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by Devin Field



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