The Higgs Weldon
Casting the Russia Investigation Mini-Series
September 13, 2017

The continuing drama that is the investigation into Russia’s interference into the 2016 Presidential Election and their possible collusion with the Trump Campaign is simply too good to not be compelling television. Even if the United States is the charred, radiated hellscape that some may anticipate, or even look forward to, in the coming years, the story is simply too juicy for a post-apocalyptic HBO or FX not to turn into a ten-episode mini-series that everyone will just binge on Netflix a year after the finale.

But for the show to be good, it must have the right people behind it. Luckily for all of you uncultured swine, I alone know exactly who should be making it.

Writer: Aaron Sorkin

Sorkin is the king of writing dialogue between assholes shouting at each other while believing the world hangs in the balance of every decision they make. He created The West Wing, won an Oscar for The Social Network, and a Golden Globe for Steve Jobs. I just can’t see anyone else penning those eloquent and thoughtful monologues that President Trump is known for. (more…)

The Man With All The Answers
September 12, 2017

The legend was, if you trekked uphill for 7 miles over 2 days you could meet him. The mountain had snow, and low Oxygen and treacherous cliffs – you know, a mountain. The trek was meant to be difficult because the man you were about to meet could explain it all to you, anything you wanted to know. The answers were all there, within him. 

I decided to make the trek after my divorce. I wasn’t sure what had gone wrong in my marriage. I seemed to be the picture of good husbandry, I cooked, I cleaned, I made the bed – you know, GOOD husband, like in the fairytales. Yet for some reason I woke up one morning with a note next to me in bed. The note said very few words, but they sting every time I think about them: 

Out to get eggs 

Won’t ever come back,

Took the Vitamix (more…)

Non-Spoiler Spoiler Alerts
September 11, 2017

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring — Gollum gets caught humping an apple pie. 

Breakfast at Tiffany’s — Tiffany serves pancakes. 

Jerry Maguire — Jerry wins the All Valley Karate Tournament by doing a crane kick taught to him by Doc Brown.

Forrest Gump — The protagonist keeps saying, “Life is like a box of Cheez-Its.”

Singin’ in the Rain — A guy gets really wet and seems happy about it next to a lamppost.

Shawshank Redemption — Eric Shawshank redeems himself by becoming a good person after inexplicably living Groundhog Day over and over again. (more…)

Welcome to Country X: Notes for a Generic Travel Guide
September 8, 2017

Travel guides are a hard sell these days, a victim of the Internet and globalization, which makes places less different than they used to be. In response I’ve created a do-it-yourself version that can be used anywhere in the world. Think of it as Mad Libs meets Lonely Planet: a template like those you’d use to plan your finances or diet, but with more frequent flyer points.

Food and Dining

The national dish of X is a soup containing pieces of soft dough stuffed with meat, cheese, and locally raised fish. While this may seem identical to the national dish of every other country, it is in fact different because (more…)

Casting the Russia Investigation Mini-Series
The Man With All The Answers
Non-Spoiler Spoiler Alerts
Welcome to Country X: Notes for a Generic Travel Guide
Things I Would Do Instead of Walking My Dog
Oh The Places You Will Go With Your Hamilton Obsession
Flex Life
6 Teachers I Accidentally Called ‘Mother Of All Things Living And Dead’
This Is Why I, a Conservative, White, Man, Let My Wife Go to Planned Parenthood Once a Year as a Special Treat
Quentin Tarantino Character or Donald Trump?
What’s Included In My Feature-Length Fan Edit Of Law And Order: SVU Where Detective Eliot Stabler Is Grouting Tile
5 Social Situations When It Pays to Have Resting Bitch Face
My Son Drank Windex And Now Has Second Sight
5 Pretzels You Can Eat To Get Over Brock, The Douche Who Didn’t Call You
Job Hunting

My favorite country songs are all about how excited I should be about a football game that is about to air on TV.

Raj Desai

American Horror Story: fool me once, shame on you, fool me six time, I eagerly await your upcoming season.

Emily Faye

Accidentally left my phone at home today and WOW, what did people even used to DO while driving?

Finn Straley

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Dear Abby
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Wine Eleven
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Arugula, Of Course
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