The Higgs Weldon
Moments Where People Would Have Died If They Weren’t Saved By A Bear Attack
By
November 14, 2017

“I was swimming alone in the pool in our backyard and, when I went in for a dive, my hair got stuck on a metal ring near the bottom of the pool. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but when I tried to rip it out, it wouldn’t budge. I tried again, as hard as I could, but it still wouldn’t budge. I started to panic, yanking it as hard as I could. It wasn’t working. Before I knew it, my chest began to tighten. I could feel my lungs starting to collapse. I thought I was done for, when, by complete miracle, a brown bear climbed our fence, dove into our pool, seized my head, dug his claws into my spine and thrashed me around like a plastic bag until my hair ripped loose and I was free from the clutches of death. I owe my life to that bear – he has taken my right arm, most of the skin on my face, both of my eyeballs, all my social confidence, and the feeling in both of my legs, but I owe entire my life, which according to doctors, is about 72-hours maximum.” (more…)

A Letter To The Woman In Whose Body I’ve Lived in For 38 Years, From Her Period
By
November 10, 2017

Dear Woman,

WOW! I can’t believe this day is finally here. In the blink of an eye you went from an adorable adolescent to the least sought-after demographic. For nearly four decades, I gave you everything I had: cystic acne, horrific mood swings, cramps that could sideline a cow, and a craving for Birthday Cake M&Ms. But you gave me much more in return. I learned it’s pointless to engage with Congressmen who believe in Eve’s original sin, and that a man who isn’t unhinged by used tampons in his trash is a man worth keeping. 

I wasn’t a perfect period. At times I took my frustrations out on you with a flow as mighty as the Nile and as disturbing as a Darren Aronofsky movie. Yet through it all, I always loved you. (more…)

The Beginning is Nigh
By
November 9, 2017

I am floating in the void with a sign: The Beginning is Nigh! I would probably say that out loud, if there was anyone around to hear it. But there isn’t. So I stick with the sign. Still, I’m sure it’s coming. Something. I’ve had a series of prophetic migraines.

There is no one here to call me crazy or tell me not to loiter in front of their frozen yogurt stand. If there were, they would probably say, “What makes you think anything will change? Nothing ever has before.”

And I would tell them, “You didn’t even used to exist. Neither did my sign but I made my sign. I don’t know where you came from. I was all alone. And I didn’t have to deal with any edgelords back then.” (more…)

Scarlett O’Hara’s Lost Reviews of Antebellum Subscription Boxes
By
November 8, 2017

Gone With the Window Box: This is one of my favorite boxes. It features raw cotton creations by talented local artists. This month’s box included cotton crowns for my backyard statue of Robert E. Lee, a cotton centerpiece and lighted cotton swags I shall surely use for the upcoming ball. While the contents of this box are always surprising, I did find the quality a little lacking again this month. The quality of the cotton could bear with a little fancy work. Donates $.10 to the Kamelias of the Kotton Klan for every box sold.

Birthin’ Babies Box: While I am not personally expecting, I always enjoy getting this box in the mail and will pass it onto my house girl. This month’s box included a glass bottle, a charming “Wet Nurse” graphic apron, a cornhusk doll kit for the big sister and a Plantation Girl Girdle. Birthin’ Babies kindly spoiled the graphic apron, which made everyone at our needlepoint smile, but not lactate. (more…)

Moments Where People Would Have Died If They Weren’t Saved By A Bear Attack
A Letter To The Woman In Whose Body I’ve Lived in For 38 Years, From Her Period
The Beginning is Nigh
Scarlett O’Hara’s Lost Reviews of Antebellum Subscription Boxes
GoFundMe To Save My Daughter From The Snake Pit
Things That Should Learn English Or Leave This Country
Maybe Another Time
Equifax FAQs
Gary’s Easy 10 Step Guide to Home Ownership for Women
Application by Pyongyang for the New Amazon Headquarters
It’s Not You, It’s Your Content
4 Fall Sweaters That Say: I Settled!
You Call This An Estate Sale and Yet You’re Not Even Dead
So, You’re Sexually Attracted To Chester Cheetah
The Munsters (2018) – A Reboot of The Munsters

Years of dating means I’ve mastered the line “No I just got here.”

Branden Kfoury
(@kfooury)

Thanks Facebook for reminding me about the guy from college with a DUI who gave himself the nickname “Dubstep”‘s birthday!

Harris Mayersohn
(@harrismayer)

Jesse’s girl wrote a song called “Can we please not hang out with your one friend? he creeps me out”

Emily Faye
(@MLEfaye)

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