The Higgs Weldon
Three Brief Tales of Love – Best of the Higgs Weldon
By
January 16, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 9, 2016.

The Worm

As she gazed into his unresponsive, lifeless eyes that didn’t quite meet hers, her heart was aflutter.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“And I love you,” he said, ”But, my darling, I am just a parasitic worm that has infested and taken complete control of this man’s brain “

“And I’m an adult woman who thinks that frogs are just baby turtles. I know we have our differences, but we can make this work, I know we can.”

She embraced the commandeered body of her love, and five inches of his skinny green body slithered out of the right eye socket and planted a kiss with his minuscule protractible beak on her eyeball, depositing a pile of eggs into the cornea. (more…)

Some Lesser-Known In-N-Out Secret Menu Items – Best of the Higgs Weldon
By
January 15, 2018

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A Birthday Email From Mom – Best of the Higgs Weldon
By
January 12, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on June 29, 2015.

Hey Everyone,

I know this is kind of cheesy, but it was my birthday recently and I got a particularly sweet email from my mom. I just wanted to share it online. (Thanks for indulging me!)

FR: Leslie_Tanaka-Wiles@Aol.com
TO: Samuel.T.Wiles@gmail.com
Subject: Happy Birthday!

Happy 28th Birthday Sam!

We’re so proud of you! It seems like just yesterday you were putting your hand in your Ninja Turtles cake at your 4th birthday party. Do you remember your 10th birthday party when you got stuck in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese? You told us to just leave you there! Haha, that was great. I think of all of your parties, I actually remember your 7th birthday party as my favorite. Do you remember that? We were at your Great Aunt Donna’s house, God rest her soul. Your sister was starting to really talk, and probably best of all we were all there together as a family. (more…)

5 Restroom Attendants Who Kept Their Cool While Handing Paper Towels To B-List Celebrities – Best of the Higgs Weldon
By
January 11, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 27, 2017.

B-list celebrities: They’re just like us. They eat at steakhouses, use the bathroom, and, of course, have paper towels handed to them by restroom attendants. Still, it’s easy to find yourself overwhelmed when a recognizable person from film or television appears. That’s why we have to congratulate these restroom attendants who kept their cool while handing paper towels to B-list celebrities.

1. Steve Riggins

Young man holding towels in bathroom, portrait

What appeared to be a normal evening in the Ft. Lauderdale-area Morton’s Steakhouse restroom became anything but when B-list comedian Pauly Shore walked out of the stall and into Steve Riggins’ life. (more…)

Three Brief Tales of Love – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Some Lesser-Known In-N-Out Secret Menu Items – Best of the Higgs Weldon
A Birthday Email From Mom – Best of the Higgs Weldon
5 Restroom Attendants Who Kept Their Cool While Handing Paper Towels To B-List Celebrities – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Message in a Bottle – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Little Known Facts About Alaska: DISPATCHES FROM THE FROZEN NORTH! – Best of the Higgs Weldon
5 Dumb Questions for Norm Macdonald – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Past – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Voice-Over from a Burger King Whopper Ad Made by Ken Burns – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Ad Campaigns For Adult Dodgeball – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Fun with Mad Libs! Jezebel Article Edition – Best of the Higgs Weldon
IMDB Pages By Your Mom – Best of the Higgs Weldon
All The Star Wars Movies, Rated From Best To Worst
I Think My Therapist Is a Drunk
Just Because Mommy & Daddy Fight On Facebook, Doesn’t Mean We Don’t Love You

Years of dating means I’ve mastered the line “No I just got here.”

Branden Kfoury
(@kfooury)

Thanks Facebook for reminding me about the guy from college with a DUI who gave himself the nickname “Dubstep”‘s birthday!

Harris Mayersohn
(@harrismayer)

Me, draped in a luxurious faux fur: if these pizza rolls take more than 12 minutes to heat up I will starve

Kay Mollica
(@QueMollica)

moreoneliners2
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Man of Letters
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