The Higgs Weldon
In Light of McDonald’s New Uniforms
May 19, 2017

Let us take a moment to applaud McDonald’s for its truly daring step towards the future. Their new uniforms have drawn comparisons to The Empire from Star Wars among other industrious movers and shakers from history. Major shifts are the lifeblood of an organization, and for McDonald’s to understand this shows a commitment to progress. Thus, the American Service Society for Fast Casual Eaters (ASSFCE) is proud to not only endorse this move, but to make a few uniform suggestions of our own for our other esteemed members to take into careful consideration.

Starbucks – The Human Coffee Shop

Starbucks is a destination for people who want to connect. We’ve run the numbers. And what better way to do that than to do away with the whole notion of a store? Now it’s just people. We highly suggest our new uniform design. This wraparound coffee bar literally wraps around the torso, making every Starbucks employee her own individual Starbucks. Everything, from the coffee maker to the other miscellaneous nonsense you evidently need to make coffee these days, will be available within arm’s reach. (more…)

Please Stop Climbing Into My Black Toyota Camry
May 18, 2017

Driving in New York City is not easy. There are endless distractions: constant traffic, streets full of crazed drivers, construction, pedestrians everywhere, and overzealous cops with quotas to fill. When I drive I have to be present and completely focused, which is why it would be a great help if people stopped trying to get into the back of my new Toyota Camry looking for rides. 

The first time it happened I was startled, but I understood – my car happened to look like one sent by a car service. The second time I figured maybe my license plate is close to that of a commercial driver’s who was on a route in the area. But the third time, come on, not everyone who drives a black compact sedan is available to chauffeur you around.  (more…)

7 Conversation Starters To Help You Cum
May 17, 2017

1494809889_conversationHey! Congratulations, you like someone! AND you are sexually attracted to that person. Bummer! Those two things may seem pretty synonymous, but they aren’t. There are distinguishable differences between the two. Liking someone is a very special feeling, reserved for the pure and true. While sexual desire towards someone you deem attractive is repulsive and wicked.  Liking someone is  honestly one of the worst feelings in the world because somehow you will inevitably let your crush know you have feelings, and this can ruin everything. Sexual desire is awesome because when you’re super aroused and content, your body releases goo. And like honestly that’s so funny. It’s like glue from your body that you have to clean up. Usually the hardest part of liking someone is overcoming their personality. But don’t worry you can do it! I do it all the time. Another difficult thing to do is starting a good conversation with the person you’re into. So I’m going to do something nice and help you out. I’m going to give you several conversation starters to have when you are talking to someone that you want to have sex with based upon their personality type/ your situation.  A lot of these statements are ambitious, but they’ll get your message across in the most effective way.  Let’s put it this way: You like this person, and wanna smash, and I’m here to help you get it wet.(sunglasses emoji)  These conversation starters will help you regardless of gender. Here they are:

1. First Time You Meet Someone: Hey how are you? Nice. You’re insanely cute. When was the last time you came? (more…)

Summer Vacations On A Budge(t)
May 16, 2017


Summer is right around the corner. Unless you live in Australia, in which case, winter is right around the corner, and that’s extremely unfortunate.

This American summer, everyone seems to have two things on their minds: vacation and trying to not die during Trump’s Presidency.

Vacations can be a great way to gain perspective, taste the cuisine of other regions as well as experience one if not several epiphanies. But they can also be costly. Thus I have compiled a list of alternative spots to popular destinations in an effort to leave your heart and bank account, full. Bon Voyage. (more…)

In Light of McDonald’s New Uniforms
Please Stop Climbing Into My Black Toyota Camry
7 Conversation Starters To Help You Cum
Summer Vacations On A Budge(t)
Hated Automated
German Words the English Language Should Adopt
A Second-by-Second Account of that Time I Held the Door Open Inappropriately Long for a Random Stranger
Agony Niece: An Advice Column
Garfield Yucks It Up In Analysis
Ten Things Sold at a Republican Garage Sale
Holidays I’ll Be Celebrating This Year
Monthly Affirmations Because I’m Fucking Busy
Just A Little Inspiration…
Two Foxes: A Fable

Interesting how these antibiotics instructions think I’m on a two meals a day budget

Emily Faye

Once basic people started describing stuff as basic, it was over.

Finn Straley

Can’t wait to see the next President of the United States play slaptag pizza toss or whatever with Jimmy Fallon.

Raj Desai

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