The Higgs Weldon
Vegan Food Diary
By
July 17, 2017

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Sunday

Breakfast: Chamomile tea with a drop of honey produced by my pet bee, Larissa

Lunch: A handful of rice

Dinner: The promise of tomorrow (more…)

Attempts at Explaining to my Grandfather that I Follow a Cat on Instagram
By
July 14, 2017

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“Grandpa, you gotta check this out. I follow this cat, Tammy the Tabby, on Instagram. She’s the best! Aw, look, here’s a video of the kitty drinking milk. Adorable, right?”

“What’s Instagram? Oh…well, it’s an app where you can look at and post photos and videos. Everyone has a profile and you can check out their pictures and they can check yours out, too.”

“What’s an app? Jeez. Okay. It’s, well, it’s short for ‘application.’ Smartphones have a bunch of apps that serve various functions, such as Instagram, which as I said allows for you to share and look at pictures and videos, like from Tammy the Tabby’s life. This cat is seriously delightful!” (more…)

A Dystopian Pre-K Graduation
By
July 13, 2017
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My daughter will have five graduations before she is deemed ready for college. Pre-K, K, Elementary, Middle, High School. That’s a lot of pomp and circumstance just so she’s ready to learn the word “heuristic” and be sexually disappointed by a lacrosse player. 

That’s not the whole point, though. Let me jump right into the action.

There were three songs in my daughter’s Pre-K graduation ceremony and each kid got a solo. After the third song, the teacher crouch-walked across the stage to a pile of posters in front. Each kid rooted around for her poster as Shakira’s “Try Everything” came on. One by one in time with the music, the kids started showing the crowd their posters: Doctor. Engineer. Architect. Lawyer. Firefighter. Policeperson. I suddenly became very curious because I had no idea what my daughter had chosen. Obviously there were some career-readiness conversations happening in the homes of these other little fuckers. Curiosity turned to nerves as I watched Elizabeth lose focus and start whipping an imaginary hula hoop with her hips – her poster, a precariously-held afterthought, which I feared was about to fly off into the crowd. Eventually it was her turn and, to my surprise, she was ready. With a perfectly-choreographed circular twirl of her hips and shoulders, she flipped up her poster. A triumphant smile flashed across and then faded from her face as the crowd gasped.  (more…)

Reasons Why I’ll Never Be A Billionaire
By
July 12, 2017
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Because then I’d have to really manage my money so much better and be investing and all that stuff. 

Because I promise once I get even close to a billion, I’ll start to really give away a lot so I never really become a billionaire anyway.  

Because it would mean I have to give away an awful lot and that gets really complicated when you have all that money. You don’t just run around giving it this money and stuff like it’s candy or something.  

Because when you say ‘a billion dollars’ it almost sounds like some made-up word like ‘a bajillion’ … and that’s not even a number.   (more…)

Vegan Food Diary
Attempts at Explaining to my Grandfather that I Follow a Cat on Instagram
A Dystopian Pre-K Graduation
Reasons Why I’ll Never Be A Billionaire
A Press Release From Count Chocula After He Was Sued For Copyright Infringement By Count Dracula
Things You Will Eventually Say If You Live With Unemployed Puppeteers
How To Pretend To Be Busy At Work: A Masterclass
Trump Colluded With Canadian Foreign Nationalist My Cousin Owen
Happy 4th of July!
The New York Times Has Hired Me As Their Official Hot Dog Correspondent and Honestly, I Don’t Understand Why Either?
Yelp Review For Dining At My Desk
10 Times I Had A Saxophone Solo But Just Yelled “Sexophone” Over & Over During Them
I Miss New York
Things To Do With The Crusts You Cut Off Your Son’s Jelly Sandwiches
Five Places You Must Visit After You Die

We have nothing to fear except doing the wrong thing in a drive-through car wash and then the guy yells at you but you can’t hear him

Allegra Ringo
(@allegraringo)

Chasing your dreams is like nachos. Awesome at first but gross if out for too long.

Ron Babcock
(@ronbabcock)

Commitment In 1956: Marriage
Commitment in 2016: Changing their last name in your phone from the word Tinder

Asterios Kokkinos
(@asterios)

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