The Higgs Weldon
The Origin of Monopoly
February 13, 2018

Two monocled men sat in a bar after having quite a few pints of ale.

Monocle Man 1 turned to his friend and said, “Monocle Man Number 2, my good chap, I would like to play a game!”

Monocle Man 2, having been addressed as “good chap” only seconds earlier was in a playful mood so he replied, “Well Monocle Man Number 1, my good chap, tell me the details of a game you would like to play and I will gladly join you in this romp!”

The two Monocled Men laughed heartily and with great mirth at their mutual agreeability. They snapped their fingers for the bartender to bring them another round of ales. The bartender found their behavior foul and indicative of a type of upper class snobbery and pretension that had been increasingly allowed to run wild ever since the invention of the monocle. However, the bartender worked for tips and was slyly overcharging these monocled men, so he endured their boorish behavior.

With fresh pints of ale in hand Monocle Man 2 brought up the next most logical question, “What game shall we play Monocle Man Number 1?” (more…)

We Toured the Americana at Brand Luxury Apartments
By and
February 12, 2018

Anyone even casually familiar with the Americana at Brand–the best outdoor shopping mall in Glendale and probably the world–has noticed the apartments lining its perimeter, perched above the stores. For superfans such as ourselves, they’ve been a constant source of fascination and intrigue. What are they like inside? Are the mall and the apartments affiliated? If you live there, do you hear the sweet sultry tones of Michael Bublé through your closed windows all day and night? Who has $5,000 to spend on rent every month and chooses to live above a mall? While using the mall’s free wifi to work on stuff (like this tell-all article) at the Barnes & Noble patio, we’d talked about the apartments a lot, how much we wished we could explore them. One week in mid-January, Paige had the idea, “We could see if they offer tours.” (more…)

Possible Reasons Your Rush Hour Train Has Been Standing For 15 Minutes
February 9, 2018

1. The rookie conductor got stuck with the one stick shift in the entire fleet.

2. There’s a family of wild deer on the tracks and the train is waiting for it to cross.

3. It took a wrong turn and Google Maps is taking forever to recalculate.

4. Too many magnets on board.

5. Not enough magnets on board.

6. Someone neglected to switch their phone to subway mode. (more…)

Too Dumb To Vote
February 8, 2018

With midterm elections coming up I’ve been thinking: I’m not sold on democracy. I’m not saying dictatorship is a better option, but democracy may have run its course. America has gone from casual partier to the country that the rest of the UN murmurs about, saying, “did you hear what they did the last election?” I mean look at what we’ve done to ourselves. We’re like the people on HGTV shows who do their own renovations, and then three-quarters of the way through realize they messed up big time and hope they are white, middle class, and Canadian enough that HGTV will swoop in and come to the rescue like Superman. But the thing about this election is that we can’t all rely on Canada to save us. There are too many of us, and the immigration center will be saying sorry from now until the end times. Since everyone’s favorite renegade Oompa Loompa got elected, this may happen sooner rather than later. Might I add that if you watch Charlie and The Chocolate Factory really closely you can see Donald Trump trying to build a wall around the chocolate, but I digress. (more…)

Hey There, I Noticed You Didn’t Invite Me To Your Wedding
I Used The Google Arts And Culture Selfie Feature And Now I’m A Mindless Husk
An Alert About Giving Birth in September From Plan Your Parenthood By the Month
Dear Sweet Greens
The Origin of Monopoly
We Toured the Americana at Brand Luxury Apartments
Possible Reasons Your Rush Hour Train Has Been Standing For 15 Minutes
Too Dumb To Vote
The “About” Section of an Amateur Actor’s New Website
Why I Haven’t Written an Article in a Year (An Apology to All My Loyal Fan)
My Letter to the CEO of Souplantation/Sweet Tomatoes, And His Response
Monster Pie – Best of the Higgs Weldon
This Amazing New Antidepressant is Changing People’s Lives – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Get Protected with LYFE LOCK® – Best of the Higgs Weldon
11 GIFs That Prove “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” is the Answer – Best of the Higgs Weldon

Bloody nose as a kid: “Oh no! poor kid.”
Bloody nose as an adult: “Is there anything you need to tell us? Are you doing drugs?”

Kathleen DeMarle

“WHAT’S YOUR ANGLE?” – me when a man walks by minding his own business

Allegra Ringo

Me: I’m a grown woman!
Also me: if I start just crying feed me or let me take a nap and I’ll stop

Paige Weldon

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