Which Guinea Pig Outfit is More Tight?
DATING IS HARD!!! AM I RIGHT? Okay, now that we are on the same page, dating really is hard. It’s hard to let people stare at your deepest feelings and have them say, “no thanks.” That’s true for everybody, but I am facing something far worse than being emotionally stunted due to an absent father, or facial deformities due to a factory accident, or even a micropenis; for I am allergic to dogs.
PAUSE FOR GASPS.
Okay, since having problems with dogs is so inherently mind-boggling, I have put my thoughts into the most easily digestible form: here are the top 5 reasons being allergic to dogs makes dating hard: (more…)THE SIX BEST COMEDY SHOWS IN NEW YORK AS RANKED BY ME, A NEW YORK COMEDIAN
There’s so much comedy in New York City that it’s easy to get overwhelmed with options. Luckily, I’m a real New York comedian who’s attended nearly every show in the concrete jungle. I’ve been searching all the way from Park Slope to just below Midtown for the best comedy in town. Whether you’re from out-of-town or just trying to have a fun night out, let me suggest these six shows. Heck, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll even find yourself catching one of my very own trademark comedy sets!
6. THE LEGENDARY ONE THAT WON’T BOOK ME
Located at the coolest bar in the East Village – which is a bit of an oxymoron, for a Williamsburg hipster like me – this show has been running since Koch was mayor. It’s an institution of the New York comedy scene and frequently sees drop-in performances from A-listers including Seinfeld, Madonna (who frequently runs her incredibly loose 30) and Fatty Arbuckle’s ghost. It’s undeniably one of the best rooms in the city and perpetually packed. Seriously, ask any comedy fan and they’ll tell you You’ll Never Do This Show can’t be missed. That being said, I’ve never even been considered to perform on this show, so I must begrudgingly report that it’s only the sixth best in New York City and rapidly on the decline.
~You’ll Never Do This Show Every Saturday. 8:30pm at Gilmore’s Lounge~ (more…)Excerpts from Treasure Hunter Brock Lovett’s Internal Monologue While Rose Calvert Talks About Being on the Titanic from the 1997 Film TITANIC
“Yeah, boarding must’ve been crazy, it was really big boat. I mean we’re currently on a bigger boat, but whatever… Where’s the diamond?”
“Cool, I know you didn’t jump off the boat and die because we’re currently talking. Why are you trying to create suspense for this? Where’s the diamond?”
“Oh, wow, poor people know how to party and rich people don’t? Color me shocked. I bet everyone in steerage hated you. Where’s the diamond?”
“I get being on the front of the boat was like flying. No, no, no, no I get that it was like flying, magical. You were seventeen, not nine. Where’s the diamond?” (more…)
It has not been easy being ole Allen Thacker lately, let me tell you. In addition to being placed on house arrest, ordered to complete 100 hours of community service, and required to pay $500 in fines, my very patriotism has been dragged through the stinking mud. And that, friends, is where I draw the line. Because even though I shot down a bald eagle and gruesomely mutilated its corpse, at least I didn’t vote for Donald J. Trump for president.
You can question my morals, my dignity, or my rationale for choosing to slaughter a living, breathing symbol of our country’s monumental history. However, you best think twice before questioning my American pride because on November 8th, 2016, I entered a voting booth and checked the box next to Hillary Rodham Clinton’s name. And that, unlike blasting a federally protected bird of prey right out of the sky, I would do again in a heartbeat. (more…)Things I’d Likely Do In the Event of a Zombie Apocalypse
I started taking steroids and now my muscles are like muscles on steroids!
I’m on a new diet where I only eat the stickers off apples
In many important respects, evolution has failed birds. There is nothing in nature that prepares birds to eat a sandwich.