The Higgs Weldon
SAVE OUR NATIONAL PARKS SO I CAN LEGALLY FUCK IN THE WOODS
By
May 15, 2017

1494808984__treeIn his first 100 days, Trump has launched an assault on the environment the likes of which we’ve never seen. He’s gutted the EPA, is considering backing out of the Paris Climate Accord and most tragically, slashed the budget for the National Parks. I believe it is of the utmost importance that we save our National Parks so that the next generation of Americans may enjoy the wonder of the great outdoors, and so that I can keep legally fucking in the woods.

Our National Parks cover some of the most beautiful land in our country and the world. I’m a great lover of the outdoors, and as such I’ve visited many National Parks with many different sexual partners. I’ve climbed mountains, swam under waterfalls, and enjoyed large amounts of gratifying lovemaking in the campgrounds of every park from the Grand Canyon to the Everglades. Without our parks system, I’m not sure I would’ve ever been able to witness such beauty — both natural and sexual. (more…)

Hated Automated
By
May 12, 2017
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“Thank you for calling Doctor Quacktor.

We are located somewhere in California. 

Our office hours are 1 PM until 1:30 PM.

Please listen to these options:

If you have a broken leg, press 1.

If it is the femur, press 2.

If it is the fibula, press 3. (more…)

German Words the English Language Should Adopt
By
May 11, 2017

Einbildungsroman: a novel charting the development of a protagonist’s superiority complex

Madenfreude: the joy of sucking up fruit flies with a vacuum cleaner

Frisörleiden: the grief of an unflattering haircut

Zimmerpflanzensvernachlässigungschuld: the guilt of improper houseplant care

Ausladenfreude: the relief of cancelled social plans

Surrealpolitik: a system of politics based on a leader’s whims and tantrums rather than on ideas about what is morally right and wrong (more…)

A Second-by-Second Account of that Time I Held the Door Open Inappropriately Long for a Random Stranger
By
May 10, 2017

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Second 1: Ah, someone’s coming! Better hold the door open for them. It’s the right thing to do.

Second 2: Not enough people perform this simple act of kindness. Shame on them.

Second 3: People kinda just expect the door to be held for them, too.

Second 4: Things need to start changing in this world. People need to be nicer while also keeping their expectations low! (more…)

In Light of McDonald’s New Uniforms
Please Stop Climbing Into My Black Toyota Camry
7 Conversation Starters To Help You Cum
Summer Vacations On A Budge(t)
SAVE OUR NATIONAL PARKS SO I CAN LEGALLY FUCK IN THE WOODS
Hated Automated
German Words the English Language Should Adopt
A Second-by-Second Account of that Time I Held the Door Open Inappropriately Long for a Random Stranger
Agony Niece: An Advice Column
Garfield Yucks It Up In Analysis
Ten Things Sold at a Republican Garage Sale
Holidays I’ll Be Celebrating This Year
Monthly Affirmations Because I’m Fucking Busy
Just A Little Inspiration…
Two Foxes: A Fable

It should be illegal to respond to an email with just “call me.” Like yelling fire in a movie theater

Andrew Martin
(@AGMV)

henna tattoos are a great way to let people know you don’t have a lot going on

Chase Bernstein
(@Chase__Chase)

Shout out to all the people that were expecting shout outs from me for some reason. I don’t know why you would, but here we are now.

Taylor Carr
(@thetaylorcarr)

moreoneliners2
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