The Higgs Weldon
A Press Release From Count Chocula After He Was Sued For Copyright Infringement By Count Dracula
By
July 10, 2017
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First, I want to thank my friends, family and everyone at the General Mills cereal department. I also want to thank my agent Josh and my publicist Rachel. 

The past few days have a been a difficult time for myself and those close to me, but I look forward to resolving this issue in the near future. 

Let me state at the outset, unequivocally, that I never violated any copyright by or of Count Dracula. I did not steal his “image and essence” as alleged in his lawsuit filed a few days ago. These accusations are scurrilous and I categorically deny them. 

I am particularly saddened today, because not only did I consider Count Dracula a friend, I also considered him a mentor. He did so much for the vampire community in both Transylvania and around the world. He has been the public face of vampires for decades. (more…)

Things You Will Eventually Say If You Live With Unemployed Puppeteers
By
July 7, 2017
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 “Please refrain from trimming your puppet’s eyebrows in my bathtub.”

“Who is talking right now, you or the puppet?”

“The sing-along cut off is 11 p.m.”

“The Kermit voice cut off is also 11 p.m.”

“Proctology jokes are never appropriate at dinner with my grandma.”

“Where are all these googly eyes coming from?”

“I think you are overthinking The Muppet Babies.” (more…)

How To Pretend To Be Busy At Work: A Masterclass
By
July 6, 2017

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Hey guys, it’s me, the office cool girl, coming at you live from my desk in the corner of the office. “You mean the one with all the ironic cat posters and a homemade sunglasses rack?” Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.

You know what they say, “it’s not work if you love it,” but, fun fact, it’s also not work if you don’t do any work at all. So this summer, while all your co-workers a beep beep booping like a bunch of lame office drones, you can be just like me and accomplish absolutely nothing, like the insatiable free-spirit you truly are.

You don’t need a “stapler” or a “401k” or “ambition” to succeed in your office environment, all you need are these tips: (more…)

Trump Colluded With Canadian Foreign Nationalist My Cousin Owen
By
July 5, 2017

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I have proof that Trump received political contributions from foreign nationals, specifically, my cousin Owen. 

On June 20th, 2017, my cousin Owen woke up at 11 a.m., showered, grabbed a slice of pizza from Ray’s Pizza, bought a Snoopy shirt from Uniqlo, and destroyed America’s sovereignty.  

I can confirm that the interaction occurred at 3:26 p.m. in the gift shop of Trump Towers, the only store in Manhattan to sell official Trump merchandise. 

Owen was informed by the Political-Campaign Worker/Shopkeeper that he couldn’t purchase a Make America Great hat with a foreign credit card. Most of the price of the hat was a donation to the Trump campaign.  (more…)

Vegan Food Diary
Attempts at Explaining to my Grandfather that I Follow a Cat on Instagram
A Dystopian Pre-K Graduation
Reasons Why I’ll Never Be A Billionaire
A Press Release From Count Chocula After He Was Sued For Copyright Infringement By Count Dracula
Things You Will Eventually Say If You Live With Unemployed Puppeteers
How To Pretend To Be Busy At Work: A Masterclass
Trump Colluded With Canadian Foreign Nationalist My Cousin Owen
Happy 4th of July!
The New York Times Has Hired Me As Their Official Hot Dog Correspondent and Honestly, I Don’t Understand Why Either?
Yelp Review For Dining At My Desk
10 Times I Had A Saxophone Solo But Just Yelled “Sexophone” Over & Over During Them
I Miss New York
Things To Do With The Crusts You Cut Off Your Son’s Jelly Sandwiches
Five Places You Must Visit After You Die

Me: Is it normal to have this much anxiety?
Friend: For you? Yes
Me: You’re implying that I’m anxious and that’s giving me anxiety

Kathleen DeMarle
(@kdacey45)

Felt smug all week because I could totally follow this new science podcast. Took me 4 episodes to realize it is a science podcast for teens.

Logan Guntzelman
(@adirtyguntz)

“Inspiring and uplifting, a triumph,” she said, describing this taco stand giving her free guacamole by accident.

Paige Weldon
(@paigeweldon)

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