The Higgs Weldon
Order Now! Targeted Comfort Containers® For Trying Times
By
March 10, 2017

Feeling anxious?
Afraid of losing Your Shit in these trying times?
We can’t all move to Canada, but you can still have the escape you crave!
Purchase a safe-zone, feel-good, targeted Comfort Container®

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We design unique packages filled with items that soothe the soul, calm the crazy, and psilence the psyche.

The Bath Time Bliss Basket:

“Me-Time” privacy signage in attractive, calligraphic fonts, complete with graphic threats of violence 

Assorted floral-scented, narcotic-infused sedation candles

Organic, edible Luffa hand-mitts

Over-sized, foam, noise-canceling ear muffs to tune out the needs of others, the cries of children, and “breaking news” updates

Detoxing, bovine-enhanced, gluten-free, hallucinogenic Scandinavian tree-bark facial mask

Waterproof erotic romance novels (more…)

Hey Everyone. Over here. Look! It’s Emma Stone’s Nipple.
By
March 9, 2017

Guys! Holy fucking shit, Peep this. Emma Stone’s nip.

It’s like the whole damn areola. Not that bullshit sideboob paparazzi stuff.

Come and get it, everyone. Drop whatever it is you’re doing and feast on this tit topper.

Wait, hold up. You over there, what the hell are you doing? Are you seriously trying to understand a house resolution while I’ve got what is almost definitely Emma Stone’s nipple just waiting to stare you in the face? You’ve got to be kidding me. House resolutions are confusing. You know what isn’t confusing? Celeb nudes. Sweet, sweet celeb nudes.

You’re gonna actually click on some shit that says something about defunding some other shit when I’ve got some choice snaps of America’s Sweetheart’s Papilla Mammae? Wait, don’t google what that means. It’s nipple stuff. (more…)

A SOOTHSAYER TOLD ME THE EXACT DAY I WILL DIE
By
March 8, 2017

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My name is Adam Allgood.

The other day a soothsayer told me the exact day I would die.

December 13th, 2317

Most people would be upset to find out the day they will die. Not me.

I’m excited. I am going to live to be 329 years old. Well beyond the common human life span. Pretty excited to find out how. (more…)

Wine Tasting with Emily Faye
By
March 7, 2017

1488779107_wineI’m no wine sophisticate, but I learned a lot on my jaunt up north to California wine country this past weekend and was inspired to own a vineyard and winery of my very own, just like Clint Eastwood’s favorite editor does, according to one local Lyft driver. He got to hold his Oscar for Unforgiven! I’m very happy for him. Here’s a list of the first wines available for tasting at Soundtrack to Chicago the Musical Vineyard & Winery.  

Pinot Noir

Bold, italicized, hint of how my neighbor Doug’s palms smell, aged five months in a recycled Sparkletts container, then for three more months split between fifteen plastic cups covered with extra napkins from a children’s birthday party. (more…)

The Quiz Section on NPR.org
Excerpts From The Woke Joke Book
A Word of Advice to the Undergrad With Open Sores Giving Free Hugs in the Quad
Hey! You There. Would You Like to Buy a Roller Coaster from Me, a Guy on the Street?
Order Now! Targeted Comfort Containers® For Trying Times
Hey Everyone. Over here. Look! It’s Emma Stone’s Nipple.
A SOOTHSAYER TOLD ME THE EXACT DAY I WILL DIE
Wine Tasting with Emily Faye
This Is A Turtle… But Also, It Is Everything… So Also, It Is A Trampoline…
I Am A Highway Who Has Not Yet Been Adopted
I Saw Her Across The Bar And Knew She Was The One I Would Spend The Rest Of My Night Getting Rejected By
We’re Pregnant!
Open Letter to the Girl Scouts at Acme
5 Restroom Attendants Who Kept Their Cool While Handing Paper Towels To B-List Celebrities
Dear Annie: My Wife Is Sleeping With Sasquatch

I tried to join a boyfriend’s club in college, but the fraternity wouldn’t let me in because I called it that.

Simon Johnson
(@Psymonjj)

Friend called my personality “bubbly” which I think refers to my thoughts of depression & self-harm that often bubble to the surface

Amanda Taylor
(@amandaetaylor)

The American Express Everyday card is great. Now everyday I get to find out who doesn’t take American Express.

Catherine Davis
(@cat_the_grat)

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