The Higgs Weldon
Adult Basketball
April 14, 2017

1491632158_icon-20-basketball-hoopI wanted to be able to fly, but had to content myself with running the floor. My ankles and knees hurt. I dreamed of having bat-wings and gliding toward the hoop like Harry Potter in Quidditch, dropping the orange sphere through the orange hoop. It was five-on-five in a dismal gym. I had been a great high school athlete, but I was now on the brink of old age.

The guy I guarded was going on 73, didn’t run, and never got back on defense. He trundled like an overweight penguin.

Under the basket lurked a bear-like man. He was 28. Grizzled and stout, he swiped his paws at airmen who attempted to penetrate the paint. Just outside the first perimeter was a giraffe-like man. A few hippos in their early 20s moved through the oasis, hoping to catch the lighter animals by surprise. (more…)

What Your Eye Color Says About You
April 13, 2017
1491631994_61       1491631994_61       1491631994_61       

Brown eyes

You’re fun to be around, but also sometimes you’re not, watch out for that. 

Blue eyes

You are indecisive sometimes, and that can annoy people, watch out for that.

Green eyes

You have pretty cool eyes. Some people like them, some don’t, watch out for that. (more…)

An Open Letter To The Person Who Tried To Start A Clap At The Rock Concert
April 12, 2017

Dear Man in Row G Seat 10,

Well, I guess I should start by saying thank you. If you’re reading this, you, in the vintage, washed-out Drink Coke tee, Row G Seat 10, might be thinking, “Thank you for what?” For ruining my 26th birthday, that’s what.

At a certain point, I stopped anticipating your nauseating, off-kilter, rhythmically neglected clap, and ended up anxiously pining for it. It was like the birthday gift my partner of three years forgot to get me, a presence in the room that wouldn’t go away. Since the second song of the concert you attempted to start a hey-we’re-all-in-this-together, campfire clap. You even had a few nibbles. A few fans in Rows C and L joined in. (more…)

Seriously, No Joke, This Is A Message In A Bottle
April 11, 2017

If you’ve found this bottle, I want to preface this by saying that there are some details here that might make you think this message is a prank, but it is not. This is a real actual “message in a bottle.”

HELP! SOS! My boat got a leak and I’m now stuck on a deserted island. The island is at longitude 420 and latitude 69. Yes, this is really where I am. I get that both 420 and 69 are numbers that sound fake/funny, but, please look past that and help.

My best friend Wilson is barely alive. And, of course, I know Wilson was the volleyball from the movie Castaway. But, this is a real guy named Wilson who is dying, so please take this message seriously. (more…)

When The Time Travelers Arrive
Tristan’s Mom Helen is Running for PTA President
Boss Baby: United Airlines CEO
Jokes for Children (Not Really) Part 2
Adult Basketball
What Your Eye Color Says About You
An Open Letter To The Person Who Tried To Start A Clap At The Rock Concert
Seriously, No Joke, This Is A Message In A Bottle
5 Stories Even Shorter and Better Than Hemingway’s
The Times Sherlock Holmes Ruined Watson’s Relationships
As a 4-Year-Old, I’m Pretty Damn Sick of Hearing You Use the Phrase “As a Mother…”
10 Tips for Eating BBQ Ribs at Work
Diana Prince: Queen of the Amazons, Wonder Woman, Copywriter
I Fell In Love With An Apple Because I Want To Be Cool On The Internet
Have You Tried the Sangria at Hamilton?

If we called the last one “Obamacare” we should call this one “Trumpdont”

Gabe Mollica

Me: maybe our very capacity for consciousness makes us self destructive even as the most evolved species
You: ma’am, this is an Applebee’s

Kay Mollica

I’m writing a self-help book for masochists, “The Power of Ow.”

Laura Mannino

Want to be our best friend?
Donate to The HW!

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!