I wanted to be able to fly, but had to content myself with running the floor. My ankles and knees hurt. I dreamed of having bat-wings and gliding toward the hoop like Harry Potter in Quidditch, dropping the orange sphere through the orange hoop. It was five-on-five in a dismal gym. I had been a great high school athlete, but I was now on the brink of old age.
The guy I guarded was going on 73, didn’t run, and never got back on defense. He trundled like an overweight penguin.
Under the basket lurked a bear-like man. He was 28. Grizzled and stout, he swiped his paws at airmen who attempted to penetrate the paint. Just outside the first perimeter was a giraffe-like man. A few hippos in their early 20s moved through the oasis, hoping to catch the lighter animals by surprise. (more…)
You’re fun to be around, but also sometimes you’re not, watch out for that.
You are indecisive sometimes, and that can annoy people, watch out for that.
You have pretty cool eyes. Some people like them, some don’t, watch out for that. (more…)
Dear Man in Row G Seat 10,
Well, I guess I should start by saying thank you. If you’re reading this, you, in the vintage, washed-out Drink Coke tee, Row G Seat 10, might be thinking, “Thank you for what?” For ruining my 26th birthday, that’s what.
At a certain point, I stopped anticipating your nauseating, off-kilter, rhythmically neglected clap, and ended up anxiously pining for it. It was like the birthday gift my partner of three years forgot to get me, a presence in the room that wouldn’t go away. Since the second song of the concert you attempted to start a hey-we’re-all-in-this-together, campfire clap. You even had a few nibbles. A few fans in Rows C and L joined in. (more…)
If you’ve found this bottle, I want to preface this by saying that there are some details here that might make you think this message is a prank, but it is not. This is a real actual “message in a bottle.”
HELP! SOS! My boat got a leak and I’m now stuck on a deserted island. The island is at longitude 420 and latitude 69. Yes, this is really where I am. I get that both 420 and 69 are numbers that sound fake/funny, but, please look past that and help.
My best friend Wilson is barely alive. And, of course, I know Wilson was the volleyball from the movie Castaway. But, this is a real guy named Wilson who is dying, so please take this message seriously. (more…)