The Higgs Weldon
The Man With All The Answers
By
September 12, 2017

The legend was, if you trekked uphill for 7 miles over 2 days you could meet him. The mountain had snow, and low Oxygen and treacherous cliffs – you know, a mountain. The trek was meant to be difficult because the man you were about to meet could explain it all to you, anything you wanted to know. The answers were all there, within him. 

I decided to make the trek after my divorce. I wasn’t sure what had gone wrong in my marriage. I seemed to be the picture of good husbandry, I cooked, I cleaned, I made the bed – you know, GOOD husband, like in the fairytales. Yet for some reason I woke up one morning with a note next to me in bed. The note said very few words, but they sting every time I think about them: 

Out to get eggs 

Won’t ever come back,

Took the Vitamix (more…)

Non-Spoiler Spoiler Alerts
By
September 11, 2017

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring — Gollum gets caught humping an apple pie. 

Breakfast at Tiffany’s — Tiffany serves pancakes. 

Jerry Maguire — Jerry wins the All Valley Karate Tournament by doing a crane kick taught to him by Doc Brown.

Forrest Gump — The protagonist keeps saying, “Life is like a box of Cheez-Its.”

Singin’ in the Rain — A guy gets really wet and seems happy about it next to a lamppost.

Shawshank Redemption — Eric Shawshank redeems himself by becoming a good person after inexplicably living Groundhog Day over and over again. (more…)

Welcome to Country X: Notes for a Generic Travel Guide
By
September 8, 2017

Travel guides are a hard sell these days, a victim of the Internet and globalization, which makes places less different than they used to be. In response I’ve created a do-it-yourself version that can be used anywhere in the world. Think of it as Mad Libs meets Lonely Planet: a template like those you’d use to plan your finances or diet, but with more frequent flyer points.

Food and Dining

The national dish of X is a soup containing pieces of soft dough stuffed with meat, cheese, and locally raised fish. While this may seem identical to the national dish of every other country, it is in fact different because (more…)

Things I Would Do Instead of Walking My Dog
By
September 7, 2017
 
First, I would have to get a dog, because I don’t have one. It would probably be a rescue, but I don’t know… Can you order rescue dogs online?
 
If it had any kind of issues the first time it needed to be walked — like if its mouth got all brown and shitty just from being alive, or if it walked sideways — I might just take it back to where I got it. Walking a dog is a lot of work, especially if your dog is busted.
 
I might also download some app to get a screenwriter or nice retired person to come walk it the first time. I probably wouldn’t think ahead on this one, so unless the app was super sketchy and worked right away, the dog would probably piss on the floor. That would suck. That’s one of the many reasons I don’t have a dog currently.

(more…)

How Transcendental Meditation Changed The Way I Look At The World And Made My Penis Bigger
I Didn’t Believe In Climate Change, Until I Realized How Hot Boiling Water Was
Advice On How to Hold the Best Generation Designation Reveal Party
Casting the Russia Investigation Mini-Series
The Man With All The Answers
Non-Spoiler Spoiler Alerts
Welcome to Country X: Notes for a Generic Travel Guide
Things I Would Do Instead of Walking My Dog
Oh The Places You Will Go With Your Hamilton Obsession
Flex Life
6 Teachers I Accidentally Called ‘Mother Of All Things Living And Dead’
This Is Why I, a Conservative, White, Man, Let My Wife Go to Planned Parenthood Once a Year as a Special Treat
Quentin Tarantino Character or Donald Trump?
What’s Included In My Feature-Length Fan Edit Of Law And Order: SVU Where Detective Eliot Stabler Is Grouting Tile
5 Social Situations When It Pays to Have Resting Bitch Face

An app that matches you with someone who will let you sleep on their shoulder during a flight, then you never have to see them again.

Lesley Hennen
(@LesleyHennen)

My favorite country songs are all about how excited I should be about a football game that is about to air on TV.

Raj Desai
(@_rajdesai)

Opinions are like assholes: hadn’t adequately explored mine til my mid 20s

Chelsea Frank
(@ChelseAnneFrank)

moreoneliners2
Want to be our best friend?
Donate to The HW!

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>