Passive Aggressive Notes I Wrote to My Noisy Neighbors as the Raccoon They Keep Yelling About
By
June 27, 2014

Hey guys!

Have you ever noticed how I have the weirdest little paws? Maybe not. I always walk on them really softly, so you probably can’t hear me. Incidentally, where did you get those heavy boots?

Your pal,
”Holy shit a raccoon!”

 

Sup roomies!?

I feel like you have been so quiet lately! Is everything okay? I worry!

Sincerely,
“What the fuck was that!?”

 

Brandon, was it?

Yes, I think it was Brandon, or maybe Brendon. Anyway, I just wanted to put in a formal request that your friend continue to shout whichever one it is at odd intervals from the hours of midnight to 3 a.m. It really soothes me.

Always,
“That raccoon!!!!”

 

To my newest friends,

I was just thinking about old times and thought I’d share. As a longer term resident of the property, I spend much of my time fondly looking back on years past. So many nice, quiet folks who kept to themselves. You would have liked them I’m sure.

Regards,
“Ew what a weird-looking dog”

 

HELLO,

I HOPE YOU HAVE BEEN WELL. SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

SINCERELY,
RACCOON THOMPSON
(THAT’S MY NAME BY THE WAY, IF YOU CARE.)

 

Current Resident,

I believe I received some mail of yours by mistake. Were you expecting some cigarette butts and broken beer bottles? If you would like to retrieve these parcels, I can be reached at:

Raccoon Thompson
Under the Porch
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Please feel free to come by at your earliest convenience. I suppose I can expect you around 2 p.m. on a work day?

Best,
Mr. Thompson

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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