Pistachio vs. City Councilman Paul Koretz
By
September 5, 2014

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Aug. 2, 2014

Dear Sir or Madam of the City of Los Angeles:

I am a law-abiding walkaday dog just doing my best to get by. When I get home from a walk, all I want is to go inside and put my paws up. So when I see a squirrel in front of my home, just sitting on the telephone wire, you can understand that I get angry. I get so angry that it makes me all snorty. Obviously, you understand that. Thus, I ask that you do something about this out-of-control menace to our neighborhoods, the very place where we live, if indeed you can call existing side-by-side with squirrels “living.”

Regards,
Pistachio

Aug. 4, 2014

Dear Mr./ Ms. PISTACHIO,

Thank you for your concerns about District 5. We will look into the matter as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
The Offices of Paul Koretz, City Council Member

Aug. 5, 2014

Dear Offices of Paul Koretz City Council Member,

It was with great disgust that I realized you had sent me a canned response. The only thing I like canned is my food. That is a joke but please do not let it convince you that I am anything but deadly serious. I demand that something be done about the squirrels that are overrunning my yard and ruining my life.

With fewer regards than last time,
Pistachio

Aug. 30, 2014

DEAR OFFICES OF PAUL KORETZ, THE MOST CORRUPT CITY COUNCIL MEMBER I COULD EVER IMAGINE,

LOOK, I’M A DOG. I’M NOT SAYING I KNOW EVERYTHING. BUT I KNOW WHAT YOUR SILENCE INDICATES: THAT YOU ARE FIRMLY ENTRENCHED IN THE POCKET OF THE SQUIRREL LOBBY, BETTER KNOWN AS “BIG SQUIRREL.” THIS IS DEPLORABLE AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. IF YOU DO NOT TAKE ACTION AGAINST THE SQUIRREL MENACE, ALL THE DOGS OF DISTRICT 5 WILL REVOLT. WE WILL BARK AT EVERYBODY. NOT JUST TALL MEN AND KIDS ON SKATEBOARDS. EVERYONE. DON’T MAKE US DO THAT.

THREATENINGLY,
PISTACHIO

Sept. 2, 2014

Dear Mr. Paul Koretz,

I retract my previous letter. It does not matter why. Goodbye.

Innocently,
Pistachio

Sept. 3, 2014

Dear Pistachio,

Your Greenies™ brand dog treats are in the mail.

Yours,
Chestnut
C.E.O., The Squirrel Lobby of District 5

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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