1. The rookie conductor got stuck with the one stick shift in the entire fleet.

2. There’s a family of wild deer on the tracks and the train is waiting for it to cross.

3. It took a wrong turn and Google Maps is taking forever to recalculate.

4. Too many magnets on board.

5. Not enough magnets on board.

6. Someone neglected to switch their phone to subway mode.

7. An unresolved issue in your life has trapped you in Transit Purgatory. Only after you’ve identified and rectified it may you pass on to the next stop. 

8. Maybe something to do with the oil? Maybe the oil is bad?

9. Your train car is haunted!

10. The conductor finds it extremely difficult to write his morning pages while the train is in motion.

11. Someone in car three does not have all their limbs inside the train.

12. Because according to Newton’s first law of motion, an object at rest will remain at rest until acted on by an unbalanced force.  

13. To serve as a reminder that you have absolutely no control over any aspect of your pathetic life.

14. In fact, the train isn’t standing; the buildings outside are moving at the exact same speed, creating the optic illusion that the train is standing.

15. So the graffiti artist can make the FUCK TRUMP he’s painting on the side really pop.

16. A tourist pulled the emergency stop upon realizing the Disney Store is the other way.

17, Because the train in front of it is standing and the train in front of that one is standing and the train in front of that one is haunted!

18. Because you’re already late.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!