1469251863_graveChester, Churtle and Streven,

If you’re reading this, it means I am dead. I don’t know how I died, but I assume I went out the way I came into this world: getting prematurely yanked out of some sexy woman’s belly by a man dressed in all white.

Now, as you already know, I was rendered sterile after beating up an X-ray technician at work who looked at me funny without placing a proper radiation shield over my dingdong. Consequently, the women you refer to as mothers and I made the decision to adopt three boys. I didn’t want boys initially, but settled for y’all after learning I couldn’t legally adopt the fully grown men I met at the Orange County gun show. Thanks, Obama.

I made it my life’s work to turn you boys into men, but fear I was too preoccupied watching my girl Rizzoli on TNT to teach you what manhood means. So, with this final correspondence, I’d love to offer some important tips you should know:

1. Churtle, it made me sick to watch you shave with an electric razor. Technology is for robots. If you want to impress a woman, shave with a butcher’s knife. If you nick yourself, pour hot wax from a candle over the cut to seal it up. No man should walk around with toilet paper on his face like a hobo.

2. Boys, Band-Aids is for sissies. I’ve always found duct tape an incredibly effective alternative. Besides, women get all hot and bothered, though, when they see a man covered in tape. Unless they’re over 50, then they’re all hot and bothered cause of a little something called men’o-pause. It’s when they take a pause from boning men.

3. Streven, you’re always on that damn computer. A real man doesn’t use the Internet to masturbate, though. A real man bottles up his seed until he can get in front of a TV and watch HBO after dark programming. Hardcore porn is for the weak of mind. Real men get off to softcore action with unlicensed jazz standards playing in the background.

4. Chester, there ain’t nothing cool about dehydration; however, there are a ton of uncool things about drinking water. Save it for the Al Gore and the mermaids. Real men get their daily water intake from Monster Energy, the coolest drink around. It’s like supercharged water that ensures hydration and energy. Never forget to drink at least 8 cups a day.

5. Lastly, if you’ve learned anything from me, let it be this: Ain’t nothing wrong with asking a woman for fifty dollars after making love and spending it all.

Forever turning Boys II Men,
Your Pappy


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