Job interviews are tricky. Exuding positivity for a temporary, part-time position at Hardee’s corporate headquarters is a skill you can’t include on your resume. But there is hope! After suffering through hundreds of job interviews, I’ve compiled a list of the top three most common interview questions and the guaranteed, scientifically-proven, optimal answers to ensure that you ace your interview.
Question #1: If you were a fruit, what variety of fruit would you be?
Answer: If I were a fruit* I would be a banana. That way if it gets hot outside I can just take off my peel.**
*POWER MOVE: Try repeating the question as a proclamation. Authority figures love hearing what they just said parroted back at them as an affirmative statement.
**BONUS POWER MOVE: This answer is not at all sexy because banana peels are literal garbage, but with the right intonation it could be vaguely explicit. Use the HR representative’s inherent longing to be loved as a weapon against them.
Question #2: Tell me about a time you had a disagreement with a coworker, and how you resolved the situation.
Answer: I was employed by a military contractor as the team leader on a large weapons project. We were working under a tight deadline to get our battle station operational when a rival military firm stole the data tapes containing the blueprints. One of my team members did not respect my religious beliefs. I found his lack of faith disturbing and used my midi-chlorian-enhanced abilities to Force choke him.***
***POWER MOVE: Be Darth Vader.
Question #3: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Answer: DEFINITELY STILL IN THIS TEMPORARY POSITION, DEFINITELY STILL MAKING $10.22 AN HOUR!****
****POWER MOVE: Yelling shows your enthusiasm!
Congratulations, you’re hired! Welcome to the exciting world of data entry!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!