Symptoms: You’re in constant heartache. The stylings of Taylor Swift, Blake Shelton and Lady Antebellum remind you of the sadness you felt when you were alone for a bit. Shooting pains course through your veins as you long to crack a cold one with the one you love, once again.
Prescription: Lipitor—for lowered cholesterol and other cardiovascular problems. (Side effects may include, once your heart is healed returning to the very thing that was bothering it; i.e. that cold-hearted jerk named Kenneth)
Electronic Dance Music (EDM)
Symptoms: You have pulsating sound waves rushing through your head. Strobe lights cause you to convulse (dance). These episodes rarely subside, and those closest to you grow more worried each day. You’ve really heard a killer track if you end up face down having a seizure.
Prescription: Topamax—for epileptic episodes. (Side effects may include not being a good dancer anymore.)
Symptoms: Seeking anything outside your comfort zone may cause a severe reaction and long lasting difficulties with your senses. Anything too experimental or out of the ordinary is definitely off limits because it’ll make you feel icky.
Prescription: Zyrtec—for allergic reactions. (Side effects may include also repelling those around you because your taste in music is so awful)
Symptoms: Everything is a joke to you. Any song you hear, you wonder how Weird Al will make it even better.
Prescription: Medicinal Marijuana—for enhanced laughing. (Side effects may included thinking you’re a great parody artist yourself.)
Symptoms: Everything you do and love is so ahead of its time you don’t fit in anywhere— except with other visionaries, but they make you nervous because they may take away your Cool Points. You worry that nobody is going to get it, because there is nothing else out there like it (Maybe for good reason? Maybe you’re brilliant? Maybe you’re just an idiot? Maybe none of this matters? Maybe you should give up?)
Prescription: Xanax—for anxiety attacks and other troublesome bouts with worries. (Side effects may include becoming at ease with your weirdness, resulting in possible smugness.)
R&B / Soul
Symptoms: You like getting real nasty and sweaty with some bodily contact in the bedroom. Good vibes are what you seek out—the kind that come from deep down in your loins.
Prescription: Viagra—for boners. (Side effects may include boners.)
Symptoms: You see things on the walls. Everything around you is melting. You don’t know where the hell you are, but you love it—or are terrified, just depends. You are constantly in another dimension of thought.
Prescription: Abilify—for treating schizophrenia. (Side effects may include having to live in the real world, which is very blasé.)
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!