President Eisenhower’s Statement on Opposite Day
By
February 8, 2016

A little known moment in American history occurred about 60 years ago, when President Dwight D. Eisenhower, at the behest of his 7 year-old granddaughter, declared that August 17, 1952 was Opposite Day, for one day only. Most Americans failed to notice, but The White House released the following statement, which White House Press Secretary James Hagerty also read to reporters.

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August 17, 1952

Members of the media and my fellow Americans:

I hereby declare today Opposite Day. It is the “worst” holiday ever and Americans are sure to “hate” it. As we partake in this holiday, let us not forget how “unimportant” it is to reflect on what it means to be Americans, the “least” free people on God’s “Un-Green” Earth.  

Okay, I will admit it, “Un-Green” is only technically the opposite of “green” and it is not a word, but, look, when I decided to declare this stupid (no opposite meaning intended) holiday a holiday… and again, to be clear, I am not trying to be the opposite of what I’m saying when I say this holiday is stupid… Oh, it’s so darn confusing!

You know what, time out. Forget about Opposite Day for a moment. Look, I declared Opposite Day a holiday at the behest of my granddaughter. It was just supposed to be a fun thing for her. I didn’t realize that it could be pretty hard to come up with opposites of words. Like what is the opposite of brain? Or, elephant? See, it’s difficult.  

You know what, I rescind my declaration that today is Opposite Day. But, damnit, that means, technically, since it is already Opposite Day, I’m not rescinding but rather, reinstating it. Oh, this holiday is the WORST! And, I mean it this time. To be clear, I do mean that I mean it this time. Not trying to be opposite here. 

Okay, well, let me just wind it down by saying I love my granddaughter. No, I mean I hate her… because it’s Opposite Day, not because I actually hate her… damnit!

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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