SEATTLE–(BUSINESS WIRE)—February 20, 2018—(NASDAQ: AMZN) – Today, Amazon announced a new initiative that will change the face of education in America. Amazon Schools offers a unique alternative to public and private education, one (Prime Eligible) child at a time.
Free for Prime members, Amazon Schools offers comprehensive liberal arts courses for grades K-12. Parents who sign up now can subscribe at a special introductory rate of $89 a year, which includes one year of Prime service. While the children are away at school, parents can access our expansive library of award-winning original films and television series, and treat themselves for tolerating the little terrors with FREE two-day shipping on millions of items!
Features of Amazon Schools:
Real, brick-and-mortar buildings — Similar to our new bookstore and grocery store chains, Amazon Schools are physical locations where students can interact with real, live human beings. While we can’t guarantee any actual human connection, we can guarantee at least one hour a day of forced recreation in an enclosed space, closely monitored by shipping drones.
Get schooled by Alexa — Each Amazon Schools classroom is comprised of a singular Amazon Echo device situated on a desk at the front of the room. All students have to do is simply ask the Alexa Voice Service (TM) questions on the related subject and write down the responses. No more glaring looks from teachers or being constantly told to quiet down – Alexa can hear you even in a noisy room.
Discounted shipping on all textbooks — Thousands of textbooks are Prime eligible and available for same-day delivery, which means it’s no longer a problem to wait until the last moment to cram for that final exam.
FREE Kindle Fire Tablet for first 1,000 students who enroll in Year One – For a limited time, the first 1,000 students who enroll in each Amazon Schools location will receive a complimentary 7″ Kindle Fire Tablet for reading, studying, and gaming in between or in the back of classes.
Graduation incentives — All students who graduate from Year 12 with a rating of three stars or above will receive his or her very own Amazon Echo for continuing education. All students with a five-star rating will also receive an Amazon Fire TV stick and one Amazon Dash button for Cheez-Its, Pop-Tarts, Doritos, or Gatorade – perfect for those college freshman cravings.
“We wanted to see kids love going to school again,” said Rohit Agarwal, General Manager of Amazon K-12 Education. “Amazon Schools gives the power of learning back into the hands of children and parents, all under the watchful eye of our massive corporate machine. What’s more, we can now leave the passing on of knowledge to the machines, giving more time for teachers and educators to shop on Amazon or watch Prime TV instead. Have I mentioned that The Man in the High Castle is now in season two?”
With Amazon Schools, students can choose from many types of classes including Amazon History, Research and Development, Corporate Government, and Art. Each school will also feature exclusive extracurricular activities like Sports (sponsored by Amazon), Music (sponsored by Prime Music) and Photography (Sponsored by Prime Photos). All Amazon Schools are safe, inclusionary spaces, and have strict no-tolerance policies for bullying, fighting, harassment, or using Google products.
Students in violation of this policy will be sent via PrimeNow courier’s bicycle to our corporate offices in Seattle, where they will be chained to a desk and forced to proofread Kindle Direct Publishing manuscripts eight hours a day.
Amazon is guided by four principles: customer obsession rather than competitor focus, passion for invention, commitment to operational excellence, and complete and utter global domination. Tongue-in-cheek product reviews, same-day fulfillment of avarice, One-click gratification, and the paralyzing fear of making decisions due to the sheer volume of choices are just some of the services pioneered by Amazon.
The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!