Pride, Prejudice, and TFW the Thirst is So Real
By
March 8, 2016

I was recently watching POLDARK and got to thinking, “Damn, these characters must be so horny… I know I am.” For those who don’t know, POLDARK is a BBC series that takes places in late 18th century Cornwall. For the sake of my readership, though, let’s look at a more popular piece of fiction with equally horny characters that takes place in early 19th century England: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.

Something about this time and place just really meant everyone was horny AF pretty much all the time. Pride and Prejudice centers on the will-they-or-won’t-they relationship between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. That’s obviously a thirst trap, but more importantly, it’s a function of the relationship between Jane Bennet (Elizabeth’s sister) and Mr. Bingley (Darcy’s BFF). Jane and Bingley want to bone pretty much from the start, which is why Darcy and Elizabeth end up running into each other time and again.

Important plot points out of the way, it’s obvious there’s a lot of sexual tension here. You’re still left with the question: Who is the real horndog of the story? (A horndog, as defined in this paper, is a super horny sap.)

Easy. It’s Bingley, and I’ll tell you why. Almost as soon as he falls for Jane, she catches a gnarly cold. You might be thinking, “Gross. Bonerkill.” However, she got sick at his house and then had to stay there to get better. Jane was now in Bingley’s face 24/7 but she was unattainable. The reader is left to assume that Bingley began a strict regimen of cold showers and was often left thinking about baseball.

The horndog is not necessarily the thirstiest character, mind you. Thirst is an unabashed quality, and I argue the thirst is most real in the dynamic between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. This is because their back and forth is tainted by both pride AND prejudice. There is literally nothing that makes anyone hornier than being attracted to someone you kind of hate. Or do you? Sexy, isn’t it? Anyway, you can bet both Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy were no strangers to their own bodies by the end of this novel.

Other characters of notable thirst:

Lydia Bennet – the extremely horny Kylie Jenner of the Bennets

Caroline Bingley – thirsty for Mr. Darcy, but I suspect also for her own brother, Mr. Bingley (would love to hear more opinions on this!)

George Wickham – way too sus military-type; preys on Lydia who is much younger than him (feel free to make a Tyga connection here)

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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