1. They were hit by a bus. 

2. They stopped on the street to help someone who’s been hit by a bus, and then hopped in the ambulance with them because of some Good Samaritan/hero complex/responsibility thing, and now they’re in some random hospital waiting room without a phone charger. But they’re thinking of you. 

3. You are literally a garbage human and they’ve finally figured that out so they’re not texting you back! Ever!

4. They are literally a garbage human and will therefore not be texting you back. Ever.

5. They’re concerned that the NSA is tracking their finger prints through contact on their phone screen, so they’re sitting in their bedroom trying to use Siri to order those gloves that you can use with an iPhone, and once they get that sorted they’ll get back to you. But it could be awhile.

6. They’re busy taking their nephew out for ice cream and explaining intersectional feminism to him in order to stop the cycle of the patriarchy. 

7. You’re actually texting your dentist office’s landline, not the guy you met at happy hour last week, because you saved the wrong number from your recent calls when you were buzzed on vodka tonics. 

8. They have AT&T. 

9. They have a Droid and it’s being weird. 

10. They are a droid and they’re being weird.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!