Hey there, Close Personal Friend! As you are aware, we just got married! And now that we are married, we were thinking how cute it would be if you were married as well!
Let us just say, since getting married our lives feel like they have finally, truly, begun. In fact, in the four months since reciting our vows we can say with complete confidence that marriage has made our lives immeasurably happier, gratifying and more fulfilled. So much so, that we can’t wait for you to experience the joy of marriage for yourself!
Of course, we realize that you are not currently in a relationship and that your attempted romantic endeavors have been essentially unremarkable for the entirety of your adult life, but that’s okay! Don’t be too hard on yourself! We don’t blame you entirely for your lack of romantic success. In fact, as your newly married, close, personal, friends we are just as disappointed about your love life as you should be…
Which is why we’re here to help you and all our other close, personal, unmarried, friends, find the happiness and fellowship of married couples that we have, sadly, yet to truly experience… Oh, that’s right! You’re not our only close, personal unmarried friend! In fact, if one were being cruel, one might say we’ve been cursed with a bounty of riches in this regard… But fear not! Because, as your newly, *only,* married, close, personal, friends, we are ready to dust off our matchmaking skills that successfully brought us together only six short years of technological change ago.
To that end, enclosed you will find a list of some of our close, personal, unmarried, friends (of your preferred gender, as well as some fun wild cards for your consideration) that we feel would be of romantic interest to you as you finally begin the process of becoming married.
All of your potential matches were hand selected according to a rigorous and stringent set of criteria designed specifically to match two of our close, personal, friends with the highest likelihood of marriage potential:
1. We know both of you.
2. You two have met on occasion.
3. We would like you two to marry.
Now rest assured–given your complete inability to successfully charm another human being–simply insisting you get married to a mutual acquaintance isn’t where we stop serving you. We’ll be here to support you every step of the way. Our phone lines will be open 24/7: Calling you, texting you and updating you on important accomplishments, life goals and funny status updates of your selected mates and as a bonus, simply because we count you as a close, personal, unmarried, friend we’ll also continuously remind you how cute it would be if you got together with a mutual acquaintance that we set you up with. All of this of course, to help insure you are moving towards our goal of seeing you married as quickly and efficiently as possible.
We worry that you and all of our other close, personal, unmarried, friends are missing out on some of the great joys marriage affords: companionship, intimacy, a non-farcical emergency contact, married couple friends, activities with married couple friends–Oh, think of the activities we could all do together! Double dates, weekend getaways, wine and cheese parties, game nights, discussions of good and bad school districts–How great does all this sound, right? Doesn’t it sound better than what you are no doubt doing right now? Sitting in your apartment? By yourself? Lonely? Loveless? Prone to a minor accident that, God forbid, ends in death due to your inability to accept the love we’ve offered you? How is your death as a close, personal, unmarried, friend, fair to us? Why should we have to suffer for your life mistakes?
By now, you can see how much we value your close, personal, friendship and thus, you would be keen to follow our advice and get married. If, for some reason, you are unsatisfied with your matches, we encourage you to reconsider, as we are fully certain that your marriage compatibility with a mutual acquaintance is a foregone conclusion.
Thank you again for considering our proposal of marriage with a mutual acquaintance. What a wonderful and exciting opportunity for you to fill an underserved niche of our social circle!
(Also, we kindly request your prompt action in this regard as we have booked a couples trip to Greece in Fall of 2016 that needs to be filled and we will do so on a first-come first-served basis.)
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!